I am noticing this week since Mars turned direct on Tuesday a darkness that can come over me and then be directed to Scott when he makes innocent comments that mean no harm, a fire starts to burn inside and I see that I am not only reacting but fuelling the reaction and making it more intense instead of working to soothe it. I am making some progress though but I also need to become more mindful of what I share and how I react to circumstances. I often don’t contain my own emotions when I lash out. I am coming to see is a very unskilful defect of my character forged from a childhood in which I watched my Mum lashing out and then cutting off contact with either Dad or one of us and it is a very unhealthy way to conduct a relationship.
Although it is painful to see this lately, at least I am getting some awareness of my Mars Saturn Moon Pluto wound lately. I see the darkness that can steal over me and what is needed is to break the energy circuit in some way when it starts to become too fixed. Today it took me a while to get out for a walk after yet another upset as last night my nephew called and was asking about Scott and then saying how I was naïve and that is wasn’t possible to trust someone I had not yet met and then pouring cold water over the idea of prayers and spiritual connections being of any use. He then shared extremely depression information about how abusive my older sister was to he and his younger brother when she was in the tormented phase of brain trauma following her cerebral bleed. It upset me a great deal and part of me started to get angry as I know how harsh my sister could be when she later became bi polar and she was very nasty to me a lot of the time but then could change and be so loving. I was so upset that when I woke to Scott’s text I told him everything and when he didn’t reply I went back to sleep only to awake to a very distressed message from him sent at 5 am my time and when I tried to reply he was already on patrol. I was in agony after that as I wish to hell I never told him what my nephew told me (I never shared the information about my sister with him as it scares me a lot I wonder who anyone would want to be with someone like me who has such a trauma history.)
Anyway I watched my thinking become more and more self loathing and self punishing before I had breakfast and finally got out with Jasper for a walk around 11 am. I cannot tell you how good it was to get out into the fresh air and away from home and we were lucky to run into a lovely older couple with two Lassie dogs who we got to chat with, as the wind blew Jasper ran around like an excited puppy and I just felt the wind blow all the cobwebs away. Then we walked back to the park and I read some of my Erica Jong autobiography and watched couples strolls by arm in arm with their dogs which made me long for Scott even more.
Erica shares in her book how hard she found it to trust the husband who ended up loving her unconditionally. She makes the comment that if we cant trust anyone we are likely to end up alone!!! Wow!!! That really spoke to me. I have had to battle the trust issue all along the way with Scott from the first time he asked me for help to come home at the end of May this year. He never threatened to leave me if I didn’t help and lately is saying he is upset he ever asked in the first place after all the stress it has put me through and when things are bad he hates himself for it asking “how could I ask this of someone I love?”. It hurts so much to hear him in such distress and maybe the best thing to do is detach as I wish I detached from my sister and her issues years ago when my complex and entangled relationship with her as the surrogate Mum who left when I was 3 began to interfere with other relationships.
I don’t really care what others think any more. I have accused Scott about 10 times of being a scammer but the dots just don’t add up with all I now know. And if I get hurt now well so be it. At least I tried to trust again. I wont deny its gonna hurt but my therapist feels its worth it, because I am learning valuable lessons from this latest connection. For the first time in my life I have exposed myself warts and all to someone and not been rejected. (with the exception of my family and one or two friends) So what have I really got to lose?? That said the pain over how traumatised my sister was and the pain she caused others who I love is with me every day. The only way I can get some relief is learning to get outside of it all by not fixating on it, and realise that it was not my fault that I was in fact powerless over a toxic situation in my loved one’s lives that at all times was far far too big a problem for me to ever heal.