Some days and I don’t know if it happened today due to being extra tired or moving through yet more barriers with Scott, but after my walk with Jasper and going to the local shops to get a cup of coffee, I just had profound feeling of being one with everything. It feels as though barriers that existed not only in mind but in my body too are letting go and unravelling and I had the thought of one with everything after the postie smiled at me and said hello. I thought of the post I posted on the weekend from Anam Thubten on the melting power of love in which he speaks of knots we tie ourselves up in.
My whole body can feel knotted at times and then I go through a snap and release experience which a chiropractor with experience of stored trauma speaks of as vibrational release in the body occurs, especially on falling asleep. I find as I wait for a late night message from Scott which may come any time between 11.30 and 12.30 pm (sometimes I turn the phone off if its an early night) if we talk then my body starts to just let go in a way it doesn’t as without contact I try to fall asleep and struggle with the loss of consciousness which brings trauma memory of two accidents where I lost consciousness for quite some time.
I spoke to my therapist about it and she feels Scott’s presence, even if distant allows me to let go and I am aware that all my life struggling alone through great trauma I have had to work to hold myself up. I brace myself. I am aware too that I freeze and hold my breath which is the co-dependent response to abandonment Pete Walker discusses in his book on Complex PTSD.
I waited in the womb to be born. I was often left in the car at the Golf Club while my older family went into have fun, they would bring me out a drink. It was so lonely in the car and confined, just writing this makes me feel so sad and angry. There was other waiting. I had to come home to an empty house and wait for my parents to come home. I waited to run out to meet Mum around 6 pm and revolve around her to get dinner. Dad came home at 5 but barely spoke, he just went out into the garden. I didn’t feel I could tell him anything at all.
At times when Mum was angry she cut off contact with me like the time she walked into my house unannounced when I was 22 and found me in bed with my boyfriend. She would not speak to me for days she was ‘so disgusted and ashamed of me” which is why when I fell pregnant later two times I never told her. And when she found out about it by reading my diaries after Dad died she shamed me again and then I was sent overseas all alone.
Its interesting as I speak about dissolving all of these associations are coming up for me. My therapist often tells me that this blog is my therapy and I need to write it out and this is how it happens as I start a post such as this all of this memory is coming up with Mars on my Mars Saturn Moon and Venus squaring Pluto in the skies. And could it be that my ego that kept the defences in place is now melting as the sorrow just bursts out of me for all that I kept trapped and locked inside for years. And as love tries to come again and I fight back with angry words and am understood and shown compassion yet encounter all this fear and resistance towards really depending on someone, really letting go I recognise its a struggle that I need to work through.
Today it was a profound experience to begin to feel myself as a part of everything and to feel my entire body and mind softening.