It was a relief to step out into the fresh air today and blow away all my worries and cares. I had a shocking night last night due to another’s stress. I didn’t sleep until 2.30 am and woke up just before 6 am. I am surprised I am not feeling tireder today but I am awash with emotions and I know the New Moon wont be exact for some hours here in Oz but God am I feeling the Moon squaring my natal Neptune in Scorpio in the third house. I am tangled up in another soul’s drama and crisis (yet again) this always happens to me. I never pick the easy option, I am entangled time and time again with someone or a man who has issues, in this case I am acting as some kind of saviour and finally when I thought all the help needed to get him out of a situation was given I have been informed more is needed and I care for this person BUT I AM SICK TO DEATH OF SUPPORTING OTHERS. There I have said it. Everything in me wants to walk away but my heart is engaged and I cant quite seem to cut the thread and as if by a Divine coincidence the Eagles I Can’t Tell You Why came up on my auto play this morning as I was tussling with everything. The line “everytime I try to walk away, something makes me turn around and stay!” Yes what it is and I CAN TELL YOU WHY is my heart connection to someone I have never met that many would tell me was a scammer for sure and yet everything in my heart tells me this isn’t true that the person I feel I know is like a part of me but I just don’t know what to believe at the moment as things twist and turn and I learn to ask which way lies truth?
I was as if my intuition answered this morning as I asked for guidance this morning and opened to a reading about how rather than trust the evidence or our eyes we should actually trust the evidence or feelings in our heart. The reading was saying that we often do know in our heart what is right but often we are socially conditioned out of inner heart connection and inner heart listening.
Thinking about heart, the French word for it “couer” came to mind just then along with the idea of courage and a “lion heart” and since at the moment the Moon and Sun are in Leo waxing onto my North Node (position of spiritual learning) in Leo in the first house at 18 degrees this makes some kind of sense. I have a huge group of 7 planets on the opposite side of my chart in Aquarius all around the house of relationships with the South Node and this is read as a tendency to detach a lot and to over intellectualise. In fact when young I feel I learned to intellectualise as I wasn’t really responded to emotionally or taught how to read my feelings, so at times my feelings can over power me like a flood and so everything in Aquarius squares that Oceanic Neptune in my house of communications and often inundates me. Everything I have read about the squares especially to Sun Mercury and Venus speaks of the need to use creativity and imagination as an outlet, my blog and poetry forms part of this but I also see images a lot of the time and would love to write a script and put some of them to film in time.
Anyway I have digressed somehow along the way. Last night I had a very overwhelmed man at the other end of my phone feeling so over come as war is about to be declared where they are mounting resistance to a violent terrorist group and he is naturally scared for his life. US soldiers aren’t often killed in these attacks which are coming daily now but a few days ago two of his troop were shot dead. He’s been trying to get out on a health condition and everything is in place but now he has to pay out his contract and cant get the funds until he gets to America. I am not going in to all the ins and outs of this. I know it sounds like a scam. I told him last night I cannot help but I am so torn. I really am. What if he dies? What then? What if I didn’t trust my heart and left him there? He was crying last night and I felt like such a cold bitch but I know I am not. I am just shit scared and don’t know if I can trust my heart or if it will lead me astray and yet what it the Leo eclipse telling me. As I write this the Sun is at 18 Leo the Moon is at 13 exactly square my natal Neptune and Mercury is retrograde at 14 Leo. That’s a hell of a lot of fire and there is a fire storm all around them over there. Such violence. People are being beheaded in the latest attacks. It is truly scary. So how can I refuse to help?
I know there are not certainties and no answers. I don’t want anyone to advise me either as its not your job. I just need to write this so I can get it out of my system. I just know the cost of keeping it all inside will be bad for me and at the heart of it isn’t Leo all about self expression from the heart. I have been crying so deeply today as I long to touch Scott’s face and feel his hand in mine. I long for a flesh and blood person I can relate to in a simple daily way. It just seems to have been so long in the wilderness. But who knows maybe this is not for me. Maybe I have just been being deceived for these 3 and a half long months since April 18 when we first connected. I just cant help hearing my heart though. This bond is real. This is the both the worst and best thing that has ever happened to you. This my dear is a time to take heart, trust your intuition (inner heart fire) and show some Lion Hearted courage.