What I’ve learned about grief

I’ve learned

That grief is all about love

The longing the losing or the lack of it

 

I’ve learned

That the depth of my grief

Shows the extent of my longing

As well as being a measure of the value

Or hurt, pain and emptiness

Others brought to my life

 

I’ve learned

That the depth and breadth and expanse of my grief

Measures the empty space remaining

When those I loved died or left me all alone

 

I’ve learned

There was grief my body knew

That my mind was unaware of

In response to losses

Occurring long before I had a conscious memory

Or ego to know of them

 

I’ve learned

That when others speak of the connections they enjoyed

With loved ones

I ache for the wound of its absence

In my own life

 

I’ve learned that there really isn’t a lot

That is wrong with me

Only a lot that happened to me

And that for most of my life

I was left to fall through space

So many times with no safety net

And so I used my addictions as a way to cope

A way to be held

In the absence of holding and presence

 

I’ve learned

That people who deny me my grief

Are not that wise or safe or sane for me to be around

 

But I’ve also learned to accept

That as much as it hurts

They could never fully understand

Unless they had suffered in similar ways

And not closed their hearts to their own suffering

 

I’ve learned

That I can hold my own hand

When there is grief

But a deeper part of me still longs

For the presence of another

And such absence or denial

Is a double grief and abandonment

That leaves a wound

That can be overwhelming

And oh so challenging to deal with