I am just a lot tired of other people’s dramas at present. I am getting lower and low on patience and tolerance for inappropriate criticism or abuse after years of tolerating other’s stuff and as I look back I see I had no boundaries against it or a way to say a catagorical ‘NO! this is affecting me too much and I dont want to take it on board’. At times it just seemed as though that was a selfish thing to do, going almost entirely against my catholic education. But after being pulled into someone’s drama over a month ago and doing all I can to help including sending money only to be told it hadn’t arrived but finding out from my bank today that it actually had about two weeks ago I’ve had enough. Oh and then the person has tried to blame my bank for taking a week to investigate the transfer and me for longer to query something no effort was made to trace from the other end. Know the best way to get my back up.. use the word ‘should’ in a sentence. I just switched my phone off and said Im out of contact for 24 hours.. JUST ABOUT HAD ENOUGH OF THIS THANK YOU.
I also really lost it on the weekend and said in a no holds barred way how I’ve been feeling and affected. I got into quite a lather really and I knew with Mars retrograde it wasn’t just about this event with this rage came a backlog of over 14 years of resentment and anger I’ve buried about so many things but most particularly always being there and getting so little in return.
I was happy to tell my therapist today that I dont feel any shame or guilt over having had a dummy spit. I usually criticise myself somewhere along the way for how I am feeling instead of validating it so this weekend I didn’t do that but just let it rip within the safe space of my own four walls. What was MOST important was that I knew just how I was feeling about everything not necessarily the other person. Saturday was painful but by Sunday I felt a hell of a lot clearer and I am recognising it is really myself I most need to listen to these days so I take myself and my own feelings seriously instead of overrunning them as I have in the past and as I was conditioned to do or buckling under out of fear of abandonment. I feel so much stronger when I can know my boundary and stick to and thats not been easy for me to accept as the person I have been in the past.