Source of love

There seems to be a powerful and very gentle, deeply restful energy around me this morning.  I had some very profound moments of feeling a deeper connection to a vast source of love after looking deeply into my dog, Jasper’s eyes a moment ago.  When I do this and he looks at me I find his eyes to be deep pools of soul, there is a connection between us and often I just dissolve into tears at such times which actually feel timeless.

I understood deply  today that we look in so many wrong places for love when really it is the source of our existance something that really is all around us all of the time just waiting for us to be still and aware enough to tap into it.  And yet even as I write these words I am aware that a healing has been taking place in my life over past weeks a kind of resolution of the pain, hurt, loss and anger that has been part of my consciousness.   I am seeing how these forces also are a path through to love as well when we suffer so much and find the willingness to open our heart and soul and being wide enough to embrace it all and let it all in.   These kind of soulful realisations that come upon me  really are beyond words but as am a writer I try to articulate all of this never the less, knowing it is all more deeply felt and experienced in silence.

I was at the veggie markets crying yesterday after reading a chapter in my novel I Have Lost My Way in which one of the characters decides suicide is the only way out of the pain of not only having lost his father to suicide but a recent chance at love.  (At the end which I only read a few days later he doesnt take up the suicide option but reading this particular chapter was particularly gut wrenching for me having been a first hand witness to my older sister’s suicide attempt when I was 20).   After finishing the chapter I went back to my car and had an even bigger cry and then my other sister called.

She was on the way to the market and wondered if I wanted to meet up.   It was a good but painful meeting.  The probate for Mum’s estate comes through next week and my brother is coming to town to meet with the accountants.  My mother left my sis her unit and my sis wanted to know if it was okay with me if she moves in there.  My experience of being left out in the cold could have kicked in (and if I am truthful it was there like a ghost wrattling in my chest) but I know Mum was thinking of my sister who is not really happy in her own place and then gave me a lot of help financially to find my own place in the year before she died.  Never the less my feeling of being excluded kicked in and I was happy I didnt end up feasting on it.

In the coming weeks we will be finally sorting out Mum’s things 6 months after her death.  My sis was not ready before as she was not well enought.  Things are dissolving on one level.  I know I never got that emotional closeness and nurture with either parent and was so often forced to fend alone but now there may be a chance at real love for me I no longer want to deny that I need and desire that. For so long I was deluded enough to think I had to be alone to get closer to my inner self and to God and yes maybe that was a valid urge as I began to launch on my healing path, however I am becoming more and more aware lately that for most of my life I did learn to deny my needs and I learned to act strong and angry and tough when I was never ever bullet proof.

I also know alonenness was an essential part of the path to find the true me who never found a home in those barren collectives of my family and society.  Yet neither do I want to remain a self sufficient loner who needs no one.  That would be a lie as well as all of us need love and connection to something that has meaning and value for us and gives us back a sense of value and meaning. We need a community of souls and to be a part of a family its just some of us really struggle to find this on earth.

When we don’t have all of this well to my mind that is a cause for mental turmoil, emotional illness and unwellness or disconnection from our core truth as vulnerable humans.  Yes we can be strong but much of our strength lies in accepting how much we need and how vulnerable we can be.  And much of our power rests on finding an inner source of love or finding ways in which can tap into the love and soul energy inherent in life and nature that surrounds us every day.

And as I sit here and type this as the sun pours into my living room I am profoundly aware of that source here with me in this most precious of moments.  It is not always thus way though.  Sometimes I am tempted to project my need out instead of realising it has to come from within first and then attract love to it like a magnetic force.   This is the insight that has been growing since I commenced this post 10 days ago.   True love has to start from within first.