How can I explain?

How can I explain

To a world who does not understand

That this grief

That  possesses every cell is not just about the loss

Of father sister and mother

But holds hidden inside it

Like a series of Russian dolls

So much other complex grief

For what never got to live or find resolution

For broken attachments

For years of lost wandering

Not knowing what I was seeking

Or what the true wound was

For the confusion of a young girl who looked around herself

So desperate to be seen?

To be held

To be noticed

To be accepted

To be nurtured

To be nourished

To be loved

But like any vain search

This one could only end

With me on my knees bleeding

Until I realised the depth of it

And that all of this grief

Can only be grieved

For what happened in the past is unfixable

And continuing to relieve it

Is a journey that

In the words of that song

Leads me on a bridge to nowhere

Here is where I am today

With heart torn wide open again

To show how nothing has really changed

How I tried so hard again to find a love

From outside

That I now know

Beyond any doubt

Must arise from deep within

So if you tell me

Go to the mirror

Every day and say

You are loved

You are precious

You are found

Here within the perimeter of this heart

I will make a space for these words

I will take that on board

For the lost search outside

Always leaves me

Once again

Lost, abandoned and all alone

Traveling upon

A road to nowhere