Its a while since I woke up feeling annoyed and pissed off with things. This is partly response to something that happened last night which is triggering a lot of pain and anger I have at times towards my father. The complexity of it is added to the fact that underneath the anger is also a huge amount of grief which I realised after I forced Jasper and I on an icy walk by the lake today. The outside temps have not made it past 8 degrees celcius today but I swear the wind chill factor was in the minus degrees. We pushed it out and by the time I got back to the car I was crying as I realised I know this anger at both parents is something I have taken into every single relationship and most especially with men and when someone tries to tell me I better not do something it just makes me want to explode.
I was not ‘allowed’ to complete my academic studies by my father back in 1980. According to him it was a waste of time since I was probably only going to get married. My drug taking and alcoholism escalated from the time I was forced to do secretarial college in 1982. The next year was a terrible year as my sister tried to take her life in 1982 and then the following year I was in the most god awful mind numbing job for 2 more years before I met my first proper boyfriend who was never over his last partner whose parents deemed him unsuitable. I wont go into more details than to say I had two terminations of pregancy to this guy who left me on the side of the road 1,000 miles from home with nothing back in 1984.
I know I am still carrying this pain and there were two more very disastrous relationships that caused me even more harm after that. I could never articulate what it was the was bugging the hell out of me from within and using alcohol on the top of all of that ended with me in a very bad place before I finally got the will to get sober in 1993 when I met my ex husband. Ours was a relatively calm relationship for 11 years until again I was told what I was and was not to do in order to be loved.
I’m still seething about it and Mars is slowing right down now. Its been on 7 degrees Aquarius for some time now and will finally move backwards in about 8 – 9 days very close to inconjunct aspect with my natal Pluto in the first house and I am feeling extra rebellious lately and I know when I get like this its not uncommon to blow relationships sky high so I do have to be careful.
Anyway I have also to be careful not to project old wounds onto new relationships with someone who seems very different and most of the time feels genuinely concerned when he does anything to trigger and upset me. Yesterday I was playing devils advocate as once again I find myself stuck in a situation I have no power much over or control. This is when I start to get triggered and get all rebellious. I was very close to booking myself a holiday to New York last night just to get some time out. I found a deal online for late July because I know when I get this frustrated it can be hard to contain my energy and its better for me if I am doing something constructive with it rather than just letting myself be acted upon or paralysed by outside circumstances. That for me is a recipe for disaster. This time round I need to take some action and make sure I put myself in a place where I have some say over how things ultimately unfold and over just what is and is not good for me emotionally, mentally and spiritually.