There is a pattern that I go through inside when I have a massive reaction to something or am pushed or push myself too far. Due to the way anger was expressed or not expressed in my family I have never been good at it, nor at self assertion. I think it goes back to both parents not having advocates when they were young both having lost their Dads before adolescence. At home Mum would storm around and errupt and Dad would just laugh or seek distance. It is something I have shared about in other posts.
Today when I felt this anger just rumbling away and then unleashed it on someone I thought of my father particularly. I thought of all he put up with from my mother and older brother and then I thought of how he ended up with stomach cancer from an ulcer. I get gut problems myself when I feel stressed. I thought of his Chiron Venus Pluto wound and of the legacy he may have bequeathed me by never asserting a boundary with my Mum nor apologising to her when he needed to. I know I am getting a powerful message too from my inner self.
My pattern is to hold onto my anger and upset for a long time. I try my best to manage it alone and to please others by trying hard to be there and be responsible and be noticed, redoubling my efforts when I fear a connection may be broken, but at times the problem is I think I can be too responsible and getting noticed by doing something is not always the best thing. Anyway today I blew it off in a text message and felt immediately better as I was aware I had over stretched myself over past weeks and was starting to feel resentful about it but swallowing that resentment. Problem is now I feel that I need to apologise for blowing off when really I know my therapist would tell me that I don’t. I dont need to apologise for expressing resentment that my own needs aren’t getting met but I do get into an argument with myself telling myself it is my responsibility to care for me and set my boundaries rather than blame others. So on it goes. The bottom line is surely that my anger is a message for me rather than for anyone else!
I just got myself out for a little while after a very intense morning and am about to have lunch but I also thought the best thing may be to write a post about it to get some feedback from others who may go through a similar pattern. So I am asking, when you get angry do you feel guilty in some way. Do you feel like you need to apologise?
I know at times I DO need to apologise and at others good friends will understand I reacted in the way I did for a legitimate reason because at that time I was pushed to my absolute limit after a long time of trying to just push through and grin and bear it. At these times when Mars in on my case (and over the next few weeks it squares natal Neptune in my third house which is a transit in which we often feel we are forced to swim through mud) I need to keep a handle on it. I don’t want to sever good relationships but neither do I want to collapse again because asserting myself and my needs at times feels so goddamn scary. Feedback much appreciated.