I’m feeling a little lost

I have been having such an intense time with a current connection I have been sharing about lately and its overwhelming me this morning to be honest.  I set a boundary against sharing trauma and now the person needed help to get out of a situation and everything inside me said it may be a scam, but then I realised that I want to give to the situation even if it means learning another lesson.  It probably makes absolutely NO SENSE to my readers.    But on this one I AM following my heart but not without a lot of tussling with the practical reasonable side of myself, indeed the two parts have been arguing a lot over the past 16 or so hours.   And in the end compassion won out over disbelief as I listened to my heart.   I am probably the world’s greatest idiot but only time will tell.

I had a good visit to my sis on Sunday. She seemed to be feeling a little brighter and was taking herself out to do some things talking about the gym in the facility where she is.  We shared about the Royal Wedding and then our own weddings and the sadness over the loss of her partner and his abandonment came up but she was very grounded about it and said to me “well its all in the past now.”  It felt so nice to be just two normal sisters sitting on a sofa talking and I was late getting there so she showed concern for me to get home on time, I felt seen which I guess is all any of us really want.   And I realise slowly she is coming to terms with my Mum’s death on the back of so much trauma.   I think my understanding of things from her point of view is growing and that makes me feel more grounded and settled.

I read a lovely chapter in a book on overcoming stress yesterday that said when it comes to things other people do which we don’t understand its better not to judge but to become a kind of personal archeologist digging down deep to consider how things may be from their point of view.  Even if we don’t fully understand we don’t really need to judge, that said we do need to have the power to discriminate what does and does not work for us.

I’m feeling tired today.  I don’t usually wake up feeling tired and groggy, so Jasper and I need a good brisk walk outside today to blow away the cob webs.   He is sleeping beside me peacefully as I write this.  I just seem to be feeling so very very sad today.   I am not sure where it is all coming from, it’s a kind of world weary exhaustion.   I am opening my heart to trust in someone and I may be let down again.  I will not know the outcome for some time, but I am sure you know I will be keeping my online community posted.

Here is the place and here are the people (yes you!) who I value the very very most.   Without you I really don’t think my life would be half as meaningful, rich and interesting and I MOST CERTAINLY would not have survived the toughest times of past years without expressing myself here both through posts and poetry as well as reading yours.  Bless you all from the very bottom of my heart!