I’m feeling a little lost

I have been having such an intense time with a current connection I have been sharing about lately and its overwhelming me this morning to be honest.  I set a boundary against sharing trauma and now the person needed help to get out of a situation and everything inside me said it may be a scam, but then I realised that I want to give to the situation even if it means learning another lesson.  It probably makes absolutely NO SENSE to my readers.    But on this one I AM following my heart but not without a lot of tussling with the practical reasonable side of myself, indeed the two parts have been arguing a lot over the past 16 or so hours.   And in the end compassion won out over disbelief as I listened to my heart.   I am probably the world’s greatest idiot but only time will tell.

I had a good visit to my sis on Sunday. She seemed to be feeling a little brighter and was taking herself out to do some things talking about the gym in the facility where she is.  We shared about the Royal Wedding and then our own weddings and the sadness over the loss of her partner and his abandonment came up but she was very grounded about it and said to me “well its all in the past now.”  It felt so nice to be just two normal sisters sitting on a sofa talking and I was late getting there so she showed concern for me to get home on time, I felt seen which I guess is all any of us really want.   And I realise slowly she is coming to terms with my Mum’s death on the back of so much trauma.   I think my understanding of things from her point of view is growing and that makes me feel more grounded and settled.

I read a lovely chapter in a book on overcoming stress yesterday that said when it comes to things other people do which we don’t understand its better not to judge but to become a kind of personal archeologist digging down deep to consider how things may be from their point of view.  Even if we don’t fully understand we don’t really need to judge, that said we do need to have the power to discriminate what does and does not work for us.

I’m feeling tired today.  I don’t usually wake up feeling tired and groggy, so Jasper and I need a good brisk walk outside today to blow away the cob webs.   He is sleeping beside me peacefully as I write this.  I just seem to be feeling so very very sad today.   I am not sure where it is all coming from, it’s a kind of world weary exhaustion.   I am opening my heart to trust in someone and I may be let down again.  I will not know the outcome for some time, but I am sure you know I will be keeping my online community posted.

Here is the place and here are the people (yes you!) who I value the very very most.   Without you I really don’t think my life would be half as meaningful, rich and interesting and I MOST CERTAINLY would not have survived the toughest times of past years without expressing myself here both through posts and poetry as well as reading yours.  Bless you all from the very bottom of my heart!

10 thoughts on “I’m feeling a little lost

  1. First of all please let me say, YOU are even Stronger than You might think!! And “weary” can perfectly describe our feelings about so many things. It can also be accompanied by feeling overwhelmed. And I can definitely attest that Healing ~on ALL levels Mind, Body & Spirit~ can be extremely exhausting! For me even though rationally I “get” that this can sound and even feel very surreal , I can “grieve” for my “KNOWNS” the things I have experienced while traumatic have been with me for as long as I can remember. It can be quite scary the “un-knowns” that come after Healing and Release. While I have been following your blog, I see that you are Honest with yourself and In yourself. So take all the time YOU need. Fro me, even now, Trust in certain types of relationships feels like such a formidable hurdle. I just remind myself that I have survived SO much that I’ve GOT THIS! whatever “this” may be! And living without relationships of trust or even stepping out of my comfort zone ( which really doesn’t seem to fit or serve me any way, anymore.) seems to be my newer stepping stone. Baby steps I keep telling myself. Baby steps!!!
    I Respect YOU and have complete Faith in Your Journey !! ❤ ❤
    Namaste & Brightest Blessings!

    1. Golly Bea I adore that you are here and in my life and have such deep respect for your journey. In you I feel I have found a spiritual sister which to me is more important than any one single love relationship. I get where you are coming from totally in this, I have barbed wire defences around my heart.. I KNOW THAT but I also know like in the Sam Smith song i am listening to and grieving through all the time. ” You might think that I am heartless You might think that Im cold Im just protecting my innocence Im just protecting my soul” Ideally we move out of this at the right time with the right person but its a big step… heaps of love and light to you beautiful soul and treasured sister in spirit. ❤ ❤ ❤

      1. Awe thanks Si-STAR !! I do feel the spiritual connection!! Your words always speak to my Heart. SO so Glad we have connected!! 💖

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