I had a mini attack of what I call ‘the bad mes’ earlier today just after reblogging a post on narcissism and addiction. I am beginning to see how caught up I still can get in family dysfunction and it is an ongoing challenge to walk a fine line between trying to help family members struggling with symptoms of the disease like low self worth and perfectionism and focus on my own recovery, too. I ran around a lot for my older sister this week and to be honest I felt a bit ‘insane’ today as I didn’t sleep that well last night as I am also connecting to someone who messages me late at night. I threw over some appointments which I think was the right thing to do as on one level I know my sister is ravaged at the moment and her self concept is weak and I want to give love but I must also recognise my limits. And getting overly tired myself won’t help and it is how I felt to day which is message to reign the help in a little bit.
Luckily her youngest son has decided to visit this weekend for Mother’s day. It’s the first Mother’s day without my Mum and I haven’t been thinking about it a lot but if I do I remember the special treats we gave to Mum on Mother’s day in past years so there is no guilt there in knowing I did all I can. I don’t expect to be included in any family thing this weekend which I am honestly fine with.
I have been connecting with my Mum and Dad in spirit a lot lately and driving home a moment ago after dropping some books off at the library they spoke to me about how I was a part of both their hearts, they were not emotionally present as they did not really know how to be. That is a wound for me. One that I am working my best to over come. Is there then, any purpose in an attack of the ‘bad mes’? Am I narcissistic at times posting and drawing on my wounds for art and poetry? I dont think so really. My experience in AA was of some narcissistic types though who did feel they had the answers for me at times and for others, I didn’t always see the greatest awareness in them, though of their own level of emotional neglect. It is something I have only started to come to terms with in the past two years.
Beating myself up won’t help. Realising I am open to criticism though and knowing there are always ways I can improve or be more teachable is important but so is knowing my own power, not in a power over others way but in an inner god centred power way is important in recovery. I need that strong sense of a humble grounded self to maintain balance. And lately when I feel myself loosing it I am praying more to God or higher power for my thinking to be changed and in the words of a Marianne Williamson prayer, become more full of light and hope and peace instead of criticism, shame or self blame.