I have been praying a lot lately. I have been praying to my Mum and Dad and ancestors as well as all the angel and saints for healing for my sister because it is hurting to see her so low at the moment and to know there is an empty gap that Mum used to fill all the other times she ended up hospitalised. I know I can never be my Mum but I know I have some of her giving spirit inside of me so I am opening my heart to give what I can, just as I did with my older sister.
I am also praying for a friend who is a very dire situation in a foreign country I need to keep secret, facing terror and killing every day and in some risk of losing his life. I can only say I am glad that I am now in a strong enough place to be there for others in the way I always wish people could have been for me. In later years Mum tried her best to support me and sadly for a long time after I got sober I only knew how to repeat the pattern of leaving, distancing or taking myself away when the risk of loss was high. I am glad now that I dont have to do that. I feel my North Node in Leo really kicking and my detached Aquarian South Node that tended to over intellectualise things and stay safely detached receeding.
I had a body work session yesterday with a therapist I first started to see in 2014 and she said the degree of calm in my nervous system compared to even 6 months ago is so marked. I could really feel it as my body only jerked and spasmed several times during our session on Tuesday afternoon and I was able to surrender not only to her touch but to the table holding me. I could also feel my feet on the floor which was something I could not do for years due to the dissociation and splitting that characterised my PTSD trauma. And the thoughts of fear that I may crash again after such a session as I did in 2005 was conscious to me and I did not buy into it but just said to myself “that was then, this is now.”
All in all things are good, even though I have these other challenges. I feel I have a solid base in the ground now so with any pain or sadness I feel over things I can express it then let it flow out and into the ground. I am going on lovely walks with Jasper and today we met up with a group of school kids doing a long hike, some with their boom boxes playing favourite songs. It was so good to feel a part of life and vitality, to be out in the simple fresh air. Amazing grace.. how sweet the sound, I really am feeling less lost, more found during these later days!!.