Nothing much I can do; but be there.

So I went to see my sister and am very glad I did.  It was a horribly sad experience to see her in the state she is so medicated and so broken on the drive home I feared my heart was going to tear my chest apart, literally.  It doesnt help that the drive there is the same one I used to take to my now dead much older sister’s care home for years and years.  To see two sisters endure what they have is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy.

But that said despite the pain I am glad I finally found the courage to front up for my sister because I have decided I will never abandon her.  I know I cannot change her inner state of mind and after the abuse she has been through I know how it is to suffer as she is.  At the moment all the pain revolves around having nothing to wear and hair that is growing too long.  It breaks my heart as these are not the real issue but she believes they are so I just supported her hugged her and gave her as much love as I could while breaking down myself.  I didnt protect my heart, I didnt hold it back I just opened it fully to the pain and grief not only of my sister but my dead sister and Mum and other relatives to and despite also screaming out the agony for a few seconds on the homeward drive and feeling quite destabilised for some time I now feel okay.

Its harrowing to see my sister’s state of mind,  but I also know I am powerless over it.  My sister said she is living in a nightmare and does not feel that she wants to go on, this is the worst ever episode of her depression.  I will not argue and to say it breaks my heart is an understatement but seeking to take distance on the illusion it would protect me is serving no one, most of all myself.  I can only pray and be so grateful that I no longer suffer depression and am completely chemical free.  I will never abandon my sister as long as she is alive, as the third birthorder and lost child, though I wish it were so different and she had found another pathway out of our family dysfunction.