I know I am not good at letting go Its a weakness in me that I find it hard to open and surrender the old for the sake of the new, find it hard to accept that letting go or even sitting on the sidelines and watching while certain things unravel and fall apart to suspend action in an attitude of trust that perhaps a process is going on that has a far deeper and larger or different conclusion to the one my will or ego may like to see or be invested in.
I did touch on this in a post last week and I seem to have been pulled back a fair deal to fighting and resistance. I am not good with patience and with letting empty spaces be empty spaces, I am also not good with being confined in small spaces or waiting and waiting for someone who has not told me what is going on. I rush to fill all the empty space with something due to my anxiety and lack of trust and end up making a bigger stew or mix up of things. Its a lesson that has been arriving in various forms this week and its very much a Mars Pluto lesson and I believe later in the year Mars goes retrograde and this could be the shadow period just have to check that out online later. This means I need to watch how I respond to frustration or not knowing or doubt, how well I can trust, open up, let go, set free instead of try to control or manage or second guess everything.
I am glad for the lesson today. I calmed myself out of a major panic attack this morning after being told i needed to hold on and wait for contact from someone. I had to wait to be born as Mum was bottling plum jam at the time her waters broke and would not go to the hospital when born I came out in a rush and my father’s response to a third baby girl was “not another bloody girl”, this was told with great glee around family get togethers. I was told I was a mistake but “the best mistake that ever happened to us”. Well I am not getting my nose out of joint now, I am beginning to love myself and I know I was a beautiful mistake but older parents didnt have the time or attention to give to a young child so it any wonder I ended up having a total of 6 terminations in my years of addiction, the last in the early months of my sobriety. I need to let go even of that pain as it was consquence of other factors but still all of this had an unconscious affect on me. But today as I did my floor work of just being with my breath and with my hands on my body, my inner child was crying, she is really opening up to me and I have promised we are a team now and I will never abandon her again and I we need to contain her wounds so we dont act them out on others, who carry their own.