My brother called last night to tell me my sister was finally admitted to the care facility at the hospital. I made the mistake of trying to address some of what I had found out had triggered my sister feeling so anxious with him and he just shut me down. The first thing that triggered my reaction of feeling so angry were the words ‘she was in a highly irrational state’ this from a man whose daughter said to me ‘Dad will rationalise until the cows come home.’ He then said he didnt want to get involved in any complicated analysis of what my sister is thinking and feeling, it was in no way complex, she was terrified of not ‘measuring up’ something her best friend told me when I let her know my sis was in hospital.
I had to end the conversation with my brother as I was so angry and I woke at 4 am feeling how the anger was sitting in my body and I ended up growling like a wild lion in the middle of the night and then when I settled down my little dog Jasper gave a little bark. I know he picks up on things as when my brother came around the other day and invaldiated me he left the room immediately we sat down to talk. Gotta love how animals just act on their instincts as far as humans are concerned.
When I called my sister’s friend back and got angry she got panicked and said ‘don’t get angry with him, he’s just putting up defences and its not only his loss but his sister’s loss as well.’ I wasnt bothered by her trying to calm me down, it was for my own good and is a sign when I dialogued with my inner child/self I need to have stronger boundaries around him and lower expectations. I should have learned this by now as long time followers will know I’ve been here countless times before.
When I have expressed either sadness or anger with my brother its like he has seen it as some kind of flaw, error or weakness in me. My therapist said as much yesterday. I then become the ‘bad’ one (for being angry/’mad’) and need to be distanced from which can leave me questioning if I really am bad and sane at all. Around his family I am constantly made to feel lower than pond scum, and his wife is a rigid narcissist with a lot of blocked feelings and looks upon hugs and other displays of affection as weakness.
Truth is this morning I felt sadness and compassion for my brother but not enough to want to have contact with him much. I want to handle all my own affairs independently although I did ask him for some help as Mum’s ashes have still not been collected and there is so much to do with sorting out her unit and my sister’s collapse means its not possible for her to do it and I understand why. But part of me doesnt want to spend any extended time in his company. I felt hatred for him last night and murderous rage to be totally honest!
I know staying angry with my brother probably wont help and will only do me damage. Good thing was last night I saw how it affected me bodily and in my gut and digestion. It took a lot of work to get going today as I was awake from 4 to 6 am and then up at 8.30. But I am getting through. The mowing people came to clear the yard today and I was able to speak to my nephew who gets how I feel and is so supportive in encouraging me to keep good boundaries. His advise was ‘to put on my Scobby Do mask’ with my brother. I am not a good mask wearer would just rather keep a distance but I know letting out my emotions with him is not a good idea as it is not with any narcissist who sees feelings as a sign of irrationality and weakness. What is most important is that I don’t end up making myself feel bad or wrong for feeling or finding healthy ways to express and contain them.