My brother called this morning. My sister’s anxiety is so bad that they are putting her in hospital and he wanted to come over to discuss it with me in half an hour. Her psychiatrist just ‘retired’ leaving her with no one, she then got another referral and has to wait 4 months to see anyone. I was so angry to hear this. My sister never opens up to me but maybe I should have asked what the situation is but since my sister chooses to do no therapy I find its a bit of a no go zone discussing psychiatrists. My sister has been struggling and I think I have failed her by not noticing how hard it was for her lately and concentrating on how I am struggling and not getting enough from her. I feel some guilt over it. I think I may have been self centred. That said I have never found it easy to trust her as she has hurt me before I know she must be missing Mum a great deal and feeling guilt over the stress she caused by trying to take her own life while living with Mum back in 2013.
I then opened up to my brother about things from the past that happened after Dad died and before, he let me cry but then said to me “you need to find a way to put these things behind you because that all happened years agon and is in the past” which shows I was not wrong in being wary of opening up to him. He did hold my hand as I cried and told me to ‘let it out’ but then his comment felt like being shut down again. I tried to tell him how trauma such as I have had with things of metal going deep inside by body is just not a ‘head’ thing that can conciously be let go but affects neurobiology, but he quickly said he had to go when it got too intense for him. Most PTSD survivors will be familiar with this kind of reaction. Maybe he was just protecting himself.
I have to remember that my brother’s relationship with his own body is not good and he never was one to be able to relate and open up emotionally, my sister also never opens up and I told my brother I see this as a large part of anxiety because of the inner shame and constant inner critical voices that I know my sister does endure because she has shared about them with me.
I called my nephew to share my hurt over what my brother did, I wasn’t angry but I noticed I was shaking after he left and feeling so anxious my heart was beating wildly with the real life energy coming up seeking a container with him and the container broke aparts and it all flooded back on me. I was also conscious of that body anxiety coming up as I discussed it all with my nephew until tears fell again and I expressed my vulnerablity to him. He said I am not responsible for my sister, that her sons need to step up but I know the older son is not good with feelings either.
Anyway I did take the risk of opening up with my brother. I learned why I so often don’t trust opening up and fear I will be dropped or negated. I know what he said is not fully true wounds we go through do leave scars and much depends upon how we tend them, we don’t need to fixate on them, just respect that they are there and hurt more when soothing empathy is not shown and physical and emotional trauma does leave lasting effect no matter what those who do not suffer from it say to us.
Our total health rests on who we surround ourselves with and how well they receive us, until we can hold the charge for us in relationshp and after they left and recognise what went down in exchanges. Today some things were confirmed but I have still been crying for my sis I wish she had real help that helped her to deal with her feelings and anxiety. I hope she gets it in the hospital, but I am scared as I don’t trust they really know the full story or what they are doing.