I really struggled this afternoon and I know I wrote two posts already today but around 2.30 this afternoon I went through a kind of meltdown, everything seemed to be dissolving and at one point I just felt tears streaming out of my eyes with no awareness I was crying. Today was the 4th annivesary of my sister’s death and my brother is in town and when I rang my other sister her only words were “we just signed the probate forms”. I just said Ill see you later and hung up and then started crying and feeling like my world was crumbling, Of course I am not involved in the execution of my Mum’s will but it would have been nice to have been told or included. I’m not going to go into any kind of rant about it as I just cried, I just felt so alone and wished there was someone with me to understand or call but I could think of no one.
So I just sat and cried and then took myself out to the shops had a coffee got dinner food and bought a book which I know is my usual diversion but I felt I had to do something. I came home and wrote a poem about it but none of the rhymes really flowed so I didnt post it but neither did I ditch it but kept it in drafts.
I feel the truth of how alone I have felt in my family FOREVER is just being highlighted at present. My older sister would call me even in the last years in the care home and be pleased to see me, at least related to me on some level. I don’t hold a resentment against my brother any more, after all he is 16 years older than me and tries his best. I just feel very alone now my Mum has died for at least with all her faults she expressed some emotions with the remaining family members its almost like dealing with robots, I know the emotions are there somewhere (???) they just dont ever seem to crack the surface. I feel today I am moving away from my family totally, the connections are just dissolving. With Saturn now out of the fourth house my journey of insight into inherited family karma has reached a watershed and I know Saturn’s transit of the 5th is a lonely lonely transit from all I have read, love relationships just don’t seem to work.
I made several tentative connections online recently only to see the bond dissolve or vaporise very quickly and so the lesson I am taking from this is to stop hoping for connection and just stay with my self and therapy and one or two contacts which are not that frequent. I am sick of fighting against a reality I cannot seem to change and when I do I end up feeling worse. I never come away from a telephone conversation with my remaining sister feeling good, often I feel like I cannot breathe because her energy is so constipated (I know this sounds REALLY REALLY MEAN) I hate saying it but I am because its better to be honest than ‘nice’..
I didnt know whether to try to connect with my sister who died sons today on the annivesary of her death. It is just going to pass with no one acknowledging it but I am going to content myself with the idea that in spirit nothing is forgotten or passes unnoticed. In the end I may be better off telepathing them a message of love from a distance than engaging personally, its probably the wrong thing to do but its what I have decided to do for today. Maybe life is meant to be this solitary for me at the moment and I am better to draw comfort from peaceful contemplation, meditation and stillness.