Untitled

I really struggled this afternoon and I know I wrote two posts already today but around 2.30 this afternoon I went through a kind of meltdown, everything seemed to be dissolving and at one point I just felt tears streaming out of my eyes with no awareness I was crying.  Today was the 4th annivesary of my sister’s death and my brother is in town and when I rang my other sister her only words were “we just signed the probate forms”.  I just said Ill see you later and hung up and then started crying and feeling like my world was crumbling, Of course I am not involved in the execution of my Mum’s will but it would have been nice to have been told or included.   I’m not going to go into any kind of rant about it as I just cried, I just felt so alone and wished there was someone with me to understand or call but I could think of no one.

So I just sat and cried and then took myself out to the shops had a coffee got dinner food and bought a book which I know is my usual diversion but I felt I had to do something.  I came home and wrote a poem about it but none of the rhymes really flowed so I didnt post it but neither did I ditch it but kept it in drafts.

I feel the truth of how alone I have felt in my family FOREVER is just being highlighted at present.  My older sister would call me even in the last years in the care home and be pleased to see me, at least related to me on some level.  I don’t hold a resentment against my brother any more, after all he is 16 years older than me and tries his best.  I just feel very alone now my Mum has died for at least with all her faults she expressed some emotions with the remaining family members its almost like dealing with robots, I know the emotions are there somewhere (???) they just dont ever seem to crack the surface.  I feel today I am moving away from my family totally, the connections are just dissolving.  With Saturn now out of the fourth house my journey of insight into inherited family karma has reached a watershed and I know Saturn’s transit of the 5th is a lonely lonely transit from all I have read, love relationships just don’t seem to work.

I made several tentative connections online recently only to see the bond dissolve or vaporise very quickly and so the lesson I am taking from this is to stop hoping for connection and just stay with my self and therapy and one or two contacts which are not that frequent.  I am sick of fighting against a reality I cannot seem to change and when I do I end up feeling worse.  I never come away from a telephone conversation with my remaining sister feeling good, often I feel like I cannot breathe because her energy is so constipated (I know this sounds REALLY REALLY MEAN) I hate saying it but I am because its better to be honest than ‘nice’..

I didnt know whether to try to connect with my sister who died sons today on the annivesary of her death.   It is just going to pass with no one acknowledging it but I am going to content myself with the idea that in spirit nothing is forgotten or passes unnoticed.  In the end I may be better off telepathing them a message of love from a distance than engaging personally,  its probably the wrong thing to do but its what I have decided to do for today.  Maybe life is meant to be this solitary for me at the moment and I am better to draw comfort from peaceful contemplation, meditation and stillness.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Uncategorized14 Comments

14 thoughts on “Untitled”

  1. The last few months I have felt a time factor in place. Things are happening from out of your past so that you can see you have changed and no longer need to be in this holding pattern, see something within yourself, and can then move forward into a more open and clearer way of being.
    I, and many friends around me have all said that so much has come up until they realise they are only upset by them because they have actually moved past that way of being, and it was time to stand in that truth and begin to follow their hearts more closely. It most certainly isn’t that cut and dried, but it can be seen and felt by the things around you that are happening. First and foremost be gentle on yourself, it takes time to realise what it now means for you ❤ 😀

    1. Thanks so much Mark as today I felt I was drowning the feeling was just so acute. but I know what you say is true as tonight I feel stronger. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for supporting me so consistently I truely appreciate it and value your presence here ❤ ❤

  2. I am so sorry for your loss of your sister and mother. Families affect us throughout our lives whether we want them to or not. Crying makes me frightened also. But it is necessary and can be a blessing. I admired how you took yourself out of the house and did things that nurtured you. I must remember to do that. 🙂 Hoping today is a good one for you.

  3. I know it isn’t the same but even though we are in different countries there are ways we could communicate face-to-face. If you’d want that we could figure it out. But I know that’s no substitute for the kind of connections that you feel you’re missing right now.

      1. There is always Facebook video, if you have Facebook. Or wifi video calling unless you have an iPhone. It’s an android function.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear of all the sadness 😦 It must be so awful losing someone so close to you. I can’t ever imagine losing my sister or Mum. You show incredible strength and thank you for writing so openly about it in your blog x

    1. Thank you Beth for reaching out to me and validating how hard it was the deeper hurt was they were never very consistent anyway so its a grief across many levels. I do appreciate your kindness in reaching out to me. ❤

      1. Absolutely no trouble. Your posts are both inspiring and emotional and you do such an amazing job of talking about things. Your blog resonates with me and I enjoy reading it 🙂

  5. sending so many hugs. im so sorry that yesterday was hard. or was it today? your a day ahead so i would say yesterday. I hope you can be kind to yourself. xxx

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