A wall of fire

Walking through trauma and waking up inside a nightmare that has formerly been repressed is so so hard.  I do not think anyone truly understands trauma unless they have lived trauma.  That said some therapists try and have sufficient insight, others don’t in my experience.  I often get stymied trying to explain my complex body symptoms to my psychoanalyst, Kat.   She does not know how my nights are, the struggle I go through daily and nightly as I feel I am drowning and get fixed on past imprints.  I survive as best I can by putting structure in my day and a daily connection with nature is essential to me.

That said reading of how others are also struggling to express to those they love who can sadly not understand brings back key incidents from my own struggle for recognition.  My husband got very jealous of my therapy and sided with my Mum in trying to pull me back in line, that said I know he cared for me and didnt want me to be struggling but as a trauma survivor I was and lack of empathy ended up triggering me to take flight again and smash up on the other side of the world all alone.   My by then ex husband came to the hospital but gave me no support, told me I needed to go home and he would give me no help with residency (which I eventually got alone) even though I supported him with Australian residency when we met as well as setting up his business.  He wanted back “the happy girl I married”, what was the message in that, please put all this sadness behind you if you want us to survive.  Its the same message I got in the next relationship I sadly went into 3 years after my ex husband and I separated.

To be dumped when you are already foundering is killing.  I honestly dont know how I survived.  After the accident overseas I did come home and ended up living alone at the coast for years, no therapy and that was a big mistake but by then my trust was shattered.  Luckily I have now been back in therapy for just over 4 years but only really found my last best therapist 3 years ago.

Walking through trauma is like walking through a wall of fire, it is that painful.  Along the way you will be told all kinds of shit by others who have not a clue of what you live through on a daily basis.  For me a lot of the way I coped was to pretend I was okay and put on as good a front as I could to be accepted but when I finally crashed and burned after coming home I started to get honest and yes, even scream at times, which lost me ‘friends’ but not the people who truly understood and cared.  Being deluged with trauma visions as stuff starts to uncover is fucking hard and you need support, sadly there is no way out but through it and sadly until recently truths about trauma and the body were not fully understood, apart from in shamanic cultures and disciplines and those reactions were only understood to be ‘irrational’ but they are not really irrational when you know what a soul has endured but all a part of a valid response to PTSD or Complex PTSD.  I have said it before in this blog and I will say it again.  You are not abnormal for having a normal response to the overwhelm of trauma.  By its very nature trauma overwhelms us and learning to contain that charge takes a lot of time and has to be done slowly over time with those who can help us to hold it and release it little by little by little, a lot like letting air out of a balloon.   Wounds to the soul, as D H Lawrence reminded us cannot be cured over night and they will always leave us different, marked in ways that others who have not endured trauma can and will never fully understand.

11 thoughts on “A wall of fire

      1. Yes Peter Levines idea of pendulation speaks to that process. He tries to get his patients to focus on pleasant life giving sensation so as to not totally be overwhelmed..like diving in then to resurface with more of our energy reclaimed

    1. Also I don’t believe we ‘remove’ trauma my understanding is we integrate it over time. I may be wrong but ill always have lived through what I did so why remove it..re moving it where? Outside, away??? Sometimes I wake up with that pounding heart and chemicals just cascading as that is what happened in my crashes. I try to move move my focus out but I also have to contain the cascade… its very hard to express what I go through. Its beyond words, really as I have had several massive physical traumas as well as all the emotional ones.

      1. I believe that we integrate it over time aswell but everytime we think about certain events it causes the same chemical reaction in the brain as it did when the event took place.

      2. That makes so much sense and touches on simething thars been bothering me with this particular analytical therapist..I get retriggered talking over past weeks events with her and its been bothering me. I d love to hear more about what has worked for you.

      3. When I got triggered by past events it was because there was still suppressed emotions that I hadn’t dealt with.
        1. I used to sit quietly with myself and think of the past events and allow myself to feel into the pain, just sit with it and understand it and try to feel where it is in your body and give the pain a mark out of 10, 10 being the highest.
        2. Then I would imagine all the pain leaving my body.
        When you go back to the event a second time the level of pain should be lower as your allowing your suppressed emotions to be released. This method helped me after rape, emotional abuse and physical abuse.
        I did cry a lot doing this but I seen that as positive as it was emotions that needed to be released.

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