The path of emotional healing and recovery is in many ways a path of shedding, we release old beliefs, we see through illusions, we discover patterns, we come to understand those we thought were friends were really not, we face ealier loneliness in our soul that before we covered over with addictions. My therapist Kat often reminds me how lonely this kind of psychological work can be. And as I see others struggle too, I know I am not alone, although on some of the darker days as my followers know I find myself like Dante in the middle of a deep dark wood. And yet in that wood there is sometimes moonlight, trees, compost and grass and lot of other critters. There may be a little wooden shack with a fire I can light and twigs. There like the maiden without hands from a fairytale I resonate with, I may have been led to grow my own feeling hands back, something I want to touch on in another post I am currently writing and has been in drafts for some weeks.
I need to remember though that on days like yesterday when my sister refused to come to dinner, as painful as that may be, it is also maybe a blessing. I know for a long time my path led a different way to the path of family. I chose active recovery, to acknowledge the roots of alcoholism and emotional neglect that reached three or four generations back as well as the mother wound that repeated throughout my family. I chose not to go on drugs, I chose to do therapy, I chose to read, to listen to dreams, to understand depression not as an illness but as purposeful, something to do with the dark night of the soul. And as I look back, I see that all along the Self in me, as part of my purpose, guided my soul. It is that Self that I believe gives rise, not to meaningless feelings ‘that might get me in trouble,’ but to purposeful ones which show me effective and ineffective ways to live.
At times I have been slow getting the message. At times I have not understood where I was NOT meant to go and be. I hungered for love and understanding from my family but it was not always meant to be. In a way I was a pioneer or circuit breaker as far as our family trauma went. I had to look outside my family for new family, just as the duck that I read about in another book I cannot remember the name of in recovery had to leave the poisoned pond that his other family would not believe was poisoned. And Yes, on this journey for a lot of it, I have had to walk alone and yet in some way I know I am not alone, or paradoxically, I am and I am not, if that makes sense.
I will not lie and say I do not hunger for a soul who deeply sees, knows and loves the whole of me and yet I also know I do have that in therapy and with a few others. I also know although I feel so alone on some days as long as I write and reach out here I am never truly alone as so many of us writing and sharing our journey and poetry here, are on a similar path, one that leads to embodiment and authentic honesty often through your own deep dark wood. I often feel that n many ways society is emerging in and through this process along with many of us.
For those connections and all of the support I have found here during 5 years of blogging, I am grateful as WordPress has given me a medium to share, and although I still doubt my way and purpose on many days maybe it does not lie in some far off place but is actually here right before me when I get up and after breakfast turn on my computer to link to my own and others blogs. It is then that I feel, on the lonely days, less alone, that all I have gone through does have a meaning and a purpose, one that I can choose to believe in and nurture with my recovery, my writing and by showing up in my life to be a force of love for myself and others who feel alone, sometimes and struggle feeling all alone too, just as I do.
Thats a beautiful share my dear one and agreed what a wonder place we can all share and express our thoughts and gifts..
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Its such a gift in and of itself Kerri Elizabeth value it and you and all those others who share here very much.❤
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It’s a beautiful family thank you for being a part of it.
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💖🌹
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It’s important to feel wanted and appreciated. I didn’t learn this lesson for a LONG time.
What a special post, Deborah. Thank you for sharing.
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Thanks so much Marc. I think that it is so good you came to understand this because a part of me feels its wrong to ask for attention or should be ashamed of it. I was told I was too dramatic when I was young and seeking attention but what I learned when I discovered some letters my Mum wrote to my older sister after she died was that Mum just didnt spend any time with me and then felt I was a pain in the neck for needing attention. Anyway thank you for your comment . It helps affirm me a lot. Much love to you ❤
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Thank you for the lovely reply!
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🙂
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I can connect so much with your sentiments here and I thank you for sharing them. I appreciate it so much when others share their feelings that I also feel. It helps with the loneliness and ache. You help with your writing. Please know that. I too chose a different path than my family and it hurts deeply some days. I’m sorry that is your experience as well. You are loved here. I hope you can take comfort in that.
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Such a beautiful comment..thank you so much..I am sorry you identify too but then I am sure its our destiny..your reaching out and commenting means a lot to me…so many of us go through this love to you..💚💙
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Good info. Lucky me I recently found your site by accident
(stumbleupon). I have saved as a favorite for later!
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Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment on my blog. Deborah
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Just fabulous. Who wrote this and how can we get more?
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HI there I wrote this piece. My name is Deborah.
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
Loneliness of our deep soul is an essential part of healing..this is a fairly popular post that obviously resonated and I am resharing.
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I like the reference you make to new family. It is without a doubt, a part of “recovery,” just like shedding old beliefs (as you mentioned). Great post!
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So glad you got something out of this.. Someone liked it today and it was good timing as I was exploring this aspect of loneliness that occurs as we feel inner child trauma.. If we had unavailable mothers and fathers its good to find someone who can sometimes perform that role until we internalise a more loving inner parent.
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Absolutely the greatest challenge you will face will be on your own
But to get there you need fortified your foundation and by doing so surrounding with those in your pack stand by and challenge you to face adversity not to tell you to runway from it.
A sinking ship will go and Captain with go with it doesn’t mean the crew should ….
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2017/12/20/become-the-sword
Alex
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Aloneness is most essential on this narrow healing path for sure Alex
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For some sure
Others like myself are never out of fight and our wounds never close always remain open just salt soaks deeper into the scorched tissue
https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2018/09/04/the-walk-of-life
Alex
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