It was such a relief to get to therapy this morning. I cried a lot of the way there listening to my favourite Coldplay song and in the chair it took a long time for any words to come, my therapist just sat there affirming, mirroring my body and nodding while looking at me with eyes of such compassion. I noticed it was hard to meet her gaze without tearing up and crying very deeply. I shared my poem on waiting later in the session while crying. She said it was no wonder I had the reaction I did to a certain ‘friend’s’ text and the lack of reply from my niece in law. I told her the struggle I went through in my mind how it immediately made me feel (lack of connection) like I had done something wrong, something I needed to apologise for. But as we examined that rationally it was clear that was not true and I could not really know what was going on. Still it was such a relief to be fully myself with Kat and to have trusted that her boundaries to keep contact limited to face to face sessions was working. I had to hold on to that abandonment pain over Sunday and that was a big ask, I felt like I was exploding last night but I did come through after being awake for about an hour or more with extreme PTSD symptoms.
Driving home feeling a lot clearer and affirmed I wondered how I would have coped if I had never found Kat. I aborted my second attempt at therapy in 2001 after my therapist went away and I have grieved that loss for some years as the second bike accident I had came after my marriage ended when I went back to the UK to try to resume it and opened up my body trauma too early and crashed. I then was out of therapy for about 8 years, wilderness years when I got involved in a very emotionally wounding and non supportive relationship with a man with his own intense abandonment issues he had no interest in owing or working on. I was told I was the problem, he told all his relatives and it was only his sister who challenged him about his part in it. When he broke it off I was shattered and tried to run to another relationship before realising that was never going to be a valid path to healing for me, thank God.
I am in my third year of therapy with Kat now after about a year with a colleague of hers with whom the fit was not as good. And I nearly broke it around the time Mum died last year when she would not make herself available to me on a weekend.
I read the text I would have liked to send to the friend who shamed me on the weekend. I ditched that one in favour of a ‘fawn’ text telling her not to feel obligated to me as it wasn’t important that she call. That was not true, I was hurt by her and I was scared to tell her, in case the relationship fell apart. I dialogued a lot with my Inner Child on Sunday after I had the huge emotional response to her text and she told me I need to protect myself better from her as she is not always that reliable, that I need to share with her how what she said to me hurt and then by her response I will know if she is a true friend. That said I now just accept it was a huge trigger for me and the pain I felt was so intense as I have been abandoned at least a dozen times in male and female relationships.
Kat and I also discussed how often I feel it’s all too hard to reach for real relationship and true connection but what I now know is that due to the fact my consciousness is deepening to have true intimacy in my life it will need to be with another conscious person who accepts me in my woundedness. I am not a damaged person I have just gone through a lot of trauma and that makes me highly sensitive and I also believe I am highly empathic and intuitive too, so I pick up stuff and emotionally defended people immediately trigger me, if they don’t want to own their ‘stuff’ and I end up carrying it, that is toxic for me in the long run and my Inner Child is calling time on it.
I noticed when I looked into further astrology transits yesterday that Venus planet of relationships was approaching an exact square aspect to Pluto from Aries. That shows an intensity that will be felt in relationships due to them triggering unconscious things in us and the way we relate, attach and are or have been wounded by both as babies or children. Reaching for outer control or lashing back are counter productive with Venus Pluto, though it’s what people with this natal aspect may subject us to if we relate with them.. I am glad I held my fire yesterday so I could allow the suffering to reveal truths to me I could not have reached intellectually. Pain does bring awareness and sadness and sorrow speak to me of real needs and values being thwarted. I am learning to trust my feelings now rather than diminish them with intellectualisations. For that I am so so grateful and also for a therapist who hears my heart, acknowledges my heart and gets my heart.