Facing the reality of our own life and feelings is not alway easy, at times I find it downright difficult and painful and on Sundays like today I can often feel a great loneliness in my soul when I face deeper realities of our feeling wounded society that seems in so many ways to be split off and increasingly divorced from nature and authenticity. My heart breaks at these kind of times.
This morning I was literally down on my knees in the bathroom crying gut wrenching tears as images of the final week of my Mum’s life rolled by inside my inner vision. I was triggered this morning by two people I contacted yesterday leaving me hanging. The first one was a friend I contacted to get together with yesterday as I thought she had suggested, only to not hear back for 24 hours, she was out with another friend and I had got the Saturday wrong… the point driven home with 3 exclamation points??? I am sure I did not hear it incorrectly but this sent me into the deepest darkest space which was a sign I was back in intense flashback mode and I was reduced to gut wrenching sobs and feeling about 2 years old. For those who dont know I had an older sister like a surrogate Mum that left me when I was 3, in my teens I had a ‘friend’ who would abandon me like this to go play with other friends without notice and the stole my first boyfriend at 17. It was hard things to go through, I have had so much abandonment as my parents left me alone all the time in favour of work and then I was treated at a bit of a ‘strange one’ for needing attention and being ‘dramatic’. Mmmmm I wonder why?
These kinds of wounds stay lodged in deep and they dont really go away and I need to be mindful of that, also that currently I dont really have a close friend who really hears me heart to heart and soul to soul apart from this friend who treated me this way. I was tempted to fire a text back (She didnt even bother to phone me) but I am aware she does not have my abandonment history and would not fully understand if I asked what’s with all the exclamation points? (???) So I just sat with myself and made the attempt to follow it through inwardly by tuning into why I was wanting to react in that way. My abandoment depression had been triggered and it hurts – a lot.
The other non returned contact was from a relative who had reached out to me a while ago about abuse in her family, these are relatives of my older sister who died i 2014 and went away when I was 3. I noticed on Facebook it was the older son’s birthday the day before yesterday and felt so sad and ashamed I had not realised. I had not sent him a card or the younger son either and I recieved cards from them for my birthday. My thoughts were full of fear for not being a ‘good enough relative’, but lately after losing my Mum there has been a lot to contend with and there was the abuse issue which made me so scared for the boys but also partly wanting not to be too triggered either. Anyway its probably only natural that all of this would have made me feel sad today and I have to be realistic as my therapist said the other day that it is not rational the way I take on blame for things that are not my responsibility. Its a deep default mechanism which comes out of my own emotional abandonment and neglect and I project that and then can as a recovery codependent reach out to help when really its I who need the support and help and this is an issue I was exploring in Pete Walker’s book on Complext PTSD yesterday and have written a post to share about soon.
As a codependent with emotional neglect I can react without being fully conscious or realistic, instead I am driven by all kinds of deeply hidden fears and fanatasies. I tend to over extend myself the minute I see someone in need when its not always good for me.
Anyway today I really sat with my inner child when I was feeling so regressed and asked her what was going on deep inside for her. She told me she was upset when I betray her needs and sensitiivty to be with others who dont have the same degree of care or sensitivity. She said she would rather we be alone than subjected to that. She wants me to care for me because really I am the only one who can do it.
Anyway for what its worth that is what came out of today when I sat with a painful reality. I know as someone who was emotionally neglected my feelings are not always conscious and dont always make sense. I am feeling and instinct injured two things I want to feature in other posts I am working on lately. But my true feelings are guides adn they do make sense, healing for me is learning how to use them as guides to how to live and care for myself well, so I can live more consciously.
I know that part of growing up is learning to live more fully from an adult self rather than a fearful anxious wounded inner child. After reading this back I see how often that part of me can be triggered. I know if I act out of that part it wont be good for me. This abandonment/trauma history I carry is about the past and not now. My friend I am sure had best intentions and I get very mixed up as to how much I can call upon or rely on others at times. I also find rainy cold Sundays harder. I miss my morning walk and then the inner life exerts such a poweful hold, but there is a truth in that that needs to be faced and deep grief there that does need to be acknowledged for what my history of emotional neglect has denied me and others.
When you are trapped in a flashback, you are reliving the worst emotional times of your childhood. Everything feels overwhelming and confusing, especially because there are rarely any visual components to a Cptsd flashback…. This is because… amygdala hijackings are intense reactions in the emotional memory part of the brain that override the rational brain. These reactions occur in the brains of people who have been triggered into a 4F (flee, fight, freeze or fawn) reaction so often, that minor events can now trigger them into a panicky state.