It was a dark day today. We had our first real taste of winter approaching with steely skies and showers that didnt amount to much, no its not April yet but the weather had this feeling. I seemed to just cry a lot today, I don’t really know the deepest reason. I tried to share about the pain of emotional disconnection I felt today from a friend and family with young sons who I love, but I always try to look deeper too, so as not to blame but to see its just triggering a deeper wound.
It’s painful but not impossible to feel this longing from my soul that makes me conscious of a very deep emptiness and aloneness. I sat with it for a while tiday and also put a lot of my energy into writing posts on trauma recovery I really hope help new followers so as not to just be mired in the sadness I cant seem to do much about but feel. I don’t know if you all know how the one thing that lifts my heart is to see your beautiful faces that come through on gravatar images that appear when you like one of my posts. Its not so much for the acclaim as for the sense it may have touched you or helped you for if I think of what my values are then my values are to reach out and connect when and where I can with others who go through similar experiences.
Staying with feelings of deep abandonment is never easy. Therapist Pete Walker whose work on Complext PTSD I have been sharing a lot about lately calls this painful soup or vortext the abandonment melange. I know I should not feed it with negative thoughts and ideas or stories but just need to feel it as an energy in my body, it affects my heart and my gut.
Anyway later this afternoon I took myself off to our shopping centre for a coffee and to get some groceries and took my daily meditation reader with me. Often when I pick it up I pray for guidance for it to open to a reading that has a message for me and lo and behold this is the page that opened this afternoon.
My Feelings of Abandonment
Today I am willing to feel my feelings of abandonment, rather than run away from them. When my abandonment feelings get triggered, I am thrown into deep anxiety and I hold onto anything around me as if for dear life. I want the feelings to go away, and I mistakenly think that if I keep all the people, places and things I need exactly as I want them, everything will work out. But life is change and people change. There is no way to keep anything where I want it all of the time. My anchor needs to be with myself. If I allow myself to experience my deep feelings of abandonment rather than run from them, I have a chance of working through them.
I can tolerate feeling alone
Reading this made me realise that today I didn’t totally run away. When I was tempted to react I just sat with the pain and felt it. I cannot say I felt a lot better but at least my body was feeling is and I didn’t get my usual spins. Taking myself out felt more like good self care than running away. I got a nice piece of steak for dinner and an afternoon snack. I felt a bit guilty I hadn’t walked Jasper today but everyone needs a lay day. I dont know why my niece in law is not returning my calls, it makes me feel really lonely and sad as I thought we had developed a connection. But I also know I have to accept whatever is going on without trying to change it. I have to feel these feelings and they are not new. They are the feelings I drank over in my addiction. I also realise the past and all I have gone through will never be gone from me totally. I dont have a lot of friends I hear from here in Canberra, everyone is very detached. I think there is a great deal of loneliness out there in society but not a lot of people have the courage to engage with it. Maybe my view is skewed, I dont know. Today was a dark day but I dont feel suicidal or hopeless as I have on other dark days. I know winter is harder than summer feelings wise, but I also know I can treat myself with love and compassion on the tough days and hope in time these abandonment feelings do pass.