Alone in the alone : daily reflections

Alone in the alone Tears fall As I feel at times the helplessness That comes in As the inner tide rises claiming my soul Dis-allowing my will Power over a body awash in so much unspoken feeling that then breaks open like a wave surprising me (have just endured over 2 hours of panic attacks this morning!)

Thoughts of how I failed to live my dreams Come haunting me And I lay to wreckage the idea that I have any purpose in my life.   Alone in the alone All I can do is seek inner comfort Not to deny what is arising but welcome it in Open the door to my own heart

I think of later demands and upset with others not being there and wonder how much of that pain is about my past I know only this Love has to be freely given And we cannot bring a love to us that is absent Out there everyone is getting on with their own lives And that is their responsibility  None amongst us is responsible for another’s happiness But if we love someone we want that for them : happiness And when we have time we naturally want to share it

Today a wave of regret over my past came and claimed me again  It hit me full force The inner critic was back Saying I lacked courage when I know it was not the full truth  I did feel fear launching out on an attempt to live in another country at a time I was still in deep grief for the loss of a love   I just need to remember to go easy and not give myself a hard time.  Just when I think that pattern is done It comes back and rears its head in my life  I can do nothing about the past I must live in this day  Regret will only steal my energy from present time.  I can welcome regret in I don’t need to push it away but I also don’t need it to take up residence here permanantly and allow it to adversely affect my day   The cost of doing that is too large

I enjoyed the end part of Richard Grannons’ video yesterday where he talked of his need to stay in reality and watch his impulse to act as well as the thoughts that might be driving such reactions within him.  Psychological awareness and maturity probably means we react less out of our past and are more aware of triggers and motivations It takes some work  Today I can recognise I struggle as I tend to do a lot on Saturdays  Then I can put some good things in place to help myself be calmer And part of this is just looking around the room and acknowledging simple things of beauty here, the way the sunlight falls on the carpet, the tumult of heavy winds blowing about branches outside, the simple quiet comfort of relaxing and being free from punishing thoughts and feelings once the panic attacks have subsided  I know the attacks dont last They are wave like in their quality  Its just such a relief once they have passed

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Accepting Emotions, Inner Life, Panic Attacks5 Comments

5 thoughts on “Alone in the alone : daily reflections”

  1. It is said that pain that continues to resurface, isn’t healed. Have you tried healing your past failures? It sounds like you are being hard on yourself calling them failures when in reality they are mistakes. Perhaps if you change the dialect, you can overcome. Be lighter on yourself. You are human and with that, we are not perfect. Your are lovable!

    Liked by 1 person

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