Alone in the alone : daily reflections

Alone in the alone Tears fall As I feel at times the helplessness That comes in As the inner tide rises claiming my soul Dis-allowing my will Power over a body awash in so much unspoken feeling that then breaks open like a wave surprising me (have just endured over 2 hours of panic attacks this morning!)

Thoughts of how I failed to live my dreams Come haunting me And I lay to wreckage the idea that I have any purpose in my life.   Alone in the alone All I can do is seek inner comfort Not to deny what is arising but welcome it in Open the door to my own heart

I think of later demands and upset with others not being there and wonder how much of that pain is about my past I know only this Love has to be freely given And we cannot bring a love to us that is absent Out there everyone is getting on with their own lives And that is their responsibility  None amongst us is responsible for another’s happiness But if we love someone we want that for them : happiness And when we have time we naturally want to share it

Today a wave of regret over my past came and claimed me again  It hit me full force The inner critic was back Saying I lacked courage when I know it was not the full truth  I did feel fear launching out on an attempt to live in another country at a time I was still in deep grief for the loss of a love   I just need to remember to go easy and not give myself a hard time.  Just when I think that pattern is done It comes back and rears its head in my life  I can do nothing about the past I must live in this day  Regret will only steal my energy from present time.  I can welcome regret in I don’t need to push it away but I also don’t need it to take up residence here permanantly and allow it to adversely affect my day   The cost of doing that is too large

I enjoyed the end part of Richard Grannons’ video yesterday where he talked of his need to stay in reality and watch his impulse to act as well as the thoughts that might be driving such reactions within him.  Psychological awareness and maturity probably means we react less out of our past and are more aware of triggers and motivations It takes some work  Today I can recognise I struggle as I tend to do a lot on Saturdays  Then I can put some good things in place to help myself be calmer And part of this is just looking around the room and acknowledging simple things of beauty here, the way the sunlight falls on the carpet, the tumult of heavy winds blowing about branches outside, the simple quiet comfort of relaxing and being free from punishing thoughts and feelings once the panic attacks have subsided  I know the attacks dont last They are wave like in their quality  Its just such a relief once they have passed