I had a kind of spritual awakening around my birthday and it wasnt until today that I could share about it in therapy that I really felt it embodied deep within me. I found myself today in session crying from what both Kat and I consider to be a very young place in me as I heard and the expressed these words “I am just too wounded to belong in the world.”
This was a massive realisation as it showed me the problem was not in the world it was in me and the defences I formed to love’s presence that blocked me coming to believe there was something wrong with me. Gosh! Its a lot to take on board but I have.
Kat explained to me today that when we do not experience attunement with our mothers we as babies feel shame.. We inherently feel there is something wrong with us and then we all too easily sacrifice the connection with ourselves and feelings deep within in order to maintain a connection with our mothers that we literally need for our survival as young ones who are totally dependent at that stage. In later years we are adults who have not internalised that good mother inside and are full of inner shaming voices which we work to uproot and externalise in therapy and our inner work in order to change them. And if we internalised shame as youngesters then any time we seek to authentically connect we experience shame which makes it impossible to feel safe enough to express our true selves. We also expect the lack of attunement we experienced even if that is not what we may encounter now in this present life.
I had real experiences of love being expressed toward me on my birthday. They opened up a raw soft spot inside my heart that I feel in the past has most probably been covered over by defences. I sense this is the Saturn Moon wound that was triggered by the lunar eclipse last Wednesday and the clearing of that old pain is felt in the final two weeks leading towards next Thurday’s Solar Eclipse opposite my natal Uranus in the first house which has to do with super independence and finding it hard to feel as though you belong in the crowd or mainstream, due to unique experiences or experiences of dissociation or disconnection emotionally.
Today we explored in therapy how I learned to ‘tough it out’, to take myself away, to trust and rely on no one, to use addictions to hide from the truth and the fear I had of trusting. Significant experiences of being alone and taking myself off alone made me choose that pattern and that was probably necessary for me to explore the pain in my heart and where it came from. Never the less it did end in more wounding and too much alone time when really I needed to be reaching out.
It may take me some time to integrate theses insight deep within me but I do feel different tonight. Some walls in my heart are starting to dissolve and I have a much clearer understanding of how they can lead me to hold myself back or aloof when really a long to connect and love and express from the heart. This is due to the South Node in Aquarius being a tendency to emotionally detatch instead of moving towards the North Node in Leo that is asking me to engage and be spontaneous. In our family affection was not expressed and part of my family is very aloof and wooden when you try to interact with them. Today I was able to share some of my grief over this with my one remaining sister. Both she and I find it hard to connect to my brother and his family due to the way they express this pattern. I always struggled with it and thought if only I could do something different I may be able to elicit a more caring and engaged response but what I now see is that there is actually nothing I can do but let go of that hope and limit my interaction with them or at least change my expectations.
I really pray that in coming times I can feel freer to express my playful, joyful happy side that is full of life, light, joy and hope. I feel after the New Moon Solar Eclipse there will be a freeing up. I feel my Mum’s death may have been in a way a liberation for both my sister and I. It may be for us a reminder of how important it is to embrace life and make the very most of every single day in terms of love and connection. This really is my deepest hope now I understand more where the blockages in my heart came from.