How are you?

Silence Best of

Does anyone else out there find it hard to answer this question, so often?   I know for myself sometimes words cannot really express how I truly feel and then things get lost in translation.   I also find it hard when I try to express in answer to that question and then no one answers.  This happened to me yesterday.  A family member that cut me off shortly after my Mum died finally ‘reached out’.  She said in her message that her pain had to be taken care of first before she could reach out to me.  Part of me understood and thought it was probably a healthy thing to do, another part of me was pretty upset about it.  Why not just send a message at the time to say so?  Maybe she didn’t have the words.  I try to keep an open mind.  I cannot know how others are affected by loss or grief, but my experience so often has been when I have lost someone…. a deafening silence, or people are there for a week or so but after that its as though the loss never happened.   I also know its hard for some people to know what to say or do in this situation.

I also know that when it comes to loss and pain we do have to go through it. Others can say they care but often actions speak louder than words.  What I find when others don’t respond to a call or a text for a long period is that I fall into a deep abandonment space.  My ex partner who had strong narcissistic tendencies would often use silence to punish me.  If I did something he didn’t approve of (and usually this was just express emotions like sadness or anger) he would leave and cut me off for days, only promising to return and continue the relationship if I agreed that my emotions were ‘silly’ and needed to be ‘put behind me”.  So now when people dont respond or I did as when the aforementioned family member contacted me I wonder what the hell is going wrong and the answer is so often extreme.

All I can do with myself is sit with it in my own space and skin and give it over.  If I worry and ruminate on it, or make up reasons who knows if they are right or wrong, will be comforting or punishing (most often the later).   If I WAS angry I fear I will lose my love for daring to express it.  I have a post banked up to post later on a therapeutic point of view about what lies hidden under anger.

In it, Peter Levine states that anger often is a legitimate response to be denied or thwarted in some way, a critical need may be being cut off or shamed (it might not just be all about us trying to have our own way).  In any case meeting that anger with empathy and tenderness would go further than trying to punish or shame the person for having those feelings.  Many of us from invalidating backgrounds have feelings like sadness and anger bound in shame which means later in life we cannot even feel them without feeling shame, anxiety or fear.  But if our e-motions (personal soul energy in motion) are treated this way over time what happens to our souls?  Many of us have panic or anxiety attacks and may not know what actually lies underneath, a critical truth our body tried to express or get met but could not.  It’s just one perspective.

If we have been invalidated, shut down or traumatised by this kind of abuse our propulsion to move forward and engage also gets shut down, we can fall into depression or collapse,  those whose blocking led to this result may be invested in not seeing the part they played, but we must if we wish to get free.  If we remain collapsed, silent and shame bound how can we live fully?  Freely?

That said there is a time to stay silent and that time is when we know we are around those who don’t understand and could never in a million years validate our suffering.   The important thing is that we know what we are feeling makes sense and is real.   Silence can be both protecting and wounding depending on what we make of it and how it is being used by ourselves and others.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Uncategorized14 Comments

14 thoughts on “How are you?”

  1. Yes, i don’t know who I am and I don’t know exactly what is true or not. I question everything. It means you are open and that’s a good thing. I hope you find solace and keep writing! I love reading what you write ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes those can be hard questions for people like us. I think some doubt is healthy as it means we have an open mind and dont try to force truths on others. That said we do need to know who we are and what we like and is good for us at times if we dont want to suffer endlessly. Its is complex. Life can be complex. Thanks for supporting my need to write it out and for reading it. xo

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Scarlett so many are afraid of perceptions how others will
      see them inside the spectrum

      Raw Truth is when some one says” I am fine everything is okay “they only lying to themselves, Whereas I am not afraid nor give a fuck how others see me

      I am far from okay and things are are fucked up mate for sure but I am thankful every day I can draw air into my lungs and know I am very much alive.

      No one should ever think they are alone to lash out into silent terror, you need to vent or someone to listen

      Hit me up anytime and feel free to check out my blog

      I am testament that strongest souls that emerged carry the heaviest shoulders and in my case some wounds never close always remain only the salt soaks deeper into the scorched tissue” Primal R.e.p.r


  2. This is such a loaded question. How are you? Do we say how we really feel or do we just pretend that everything is rainbows and butterflies? We loved your post. It’s very thought provoking! And you’re so right. We no longer want to suffer endlessly and we’re in the process of sharing our stories, the good and the bad, and it has been amazing. I hope you keep writing. – Brown Eyed Princess

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. It can be so hard to find those who really want to hear ‘how we are’ and there are hidden depths to us too. Its what I am feeling more and more lately. Its such a gift when we can truly answer and be recieved and heard.
      Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Deborah

      Liked by 1 person

    1. ManyofUs

      No pun intended mate Many people are afraid to ask and when they do… are scared to know the raw truth

      Because the real conclusion to your question is they truly don’t want to know instead use it metaphoric as ice breaker to acknowledge they made contact with you to give them a sense of foundational base of false hope to think everything is grand with their surroundings and give a piece of sound mind.

      However that is mirage and it is all about their self preservation


      Liked by 1 person

  3. Absolutely Deborah,

    It’s like when others tell you …you will be okay time heals things in time that is furthest from a the fucking truth they say that to make sense to comfort themselves to make sense.

    Time heals nothing it’s nothing more than decaying pungent tissue the cold truth is that Storms you try to run from outta fear thinking as long as your in your delusional bubble your safe?

    “But it’s the Storms that come and go teach you to live and learn so embrace them ”


    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am going to share something with you I am not ashamed nor afraid to

    My name is Alex and I suffer from Complex C and at one point Stockholm Syndrome

    I am also sexual abuse survivor as well but contrary too how barbaric is and was …. me own abuser saw more as human being.

    I suffered from years of horrific brutality I was 9 yrs old when it started went on for 7 years until I was able to be too strong for my oppressor and abuser

    The one that gives you life and suppose to be your greatest protector was monstrosity inside my Tormenting Fucking hell and when the time comes even there is too good for IT

    I am going to share My Story which is not for faint of heart because how could you think it possible such pure evil could have ability to breathe and flourish?

    I want you to keep something in mind if it’s too much for you I understand completely but remember this is not about you … It’s about Me

    No one should ever have to endured the living fucking hell I went through in silent terror as I did

    You asked why didn’t I try to get help ? answer as you will see in My Story I did but instantly was horrified by that action

    People tell you all wounds will heal in time ” That could not be more of bigger formulation of infectious deception

    Raw Truth no one ever wants to evaluate some pieces of the puzzle will never be the same again in my case ”

    Some wounds never close always remain open only the salt soaks deeper into the scorched, decaying tissue” Primal R.e.p.r

    luas dia I do thruas

    Alex Primal R.e.p.r


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