How are you?

Does anyone else out there find it hard to answer this question, so often?   I know for myself sometimes words cannot really express how I truly feel and then things get lost in translation.   I also find it hard when I try to express in answer to that question and then no one answers.  This happened to me yesterday.  A family member that cut me off shortly after my Mum died finally ‘reached out’.  She said in her message that her pain had to be taken care of first before she could reach out to me.  Part of me understood and thought it was probably a healthy thing to do, another part of me was pretty upset about it.  Why not just send a message at the time to say so?  Maybe she didn’t have the words.  I try to keep an open mind.  I cannot know how others are affected by loss or grief, but my experience so often has been when I have lost someone…. a deafening silence, or people are there for a week or so but after that its as though the loss never happened.   I also know its hard for some people to know what to say or do in this situation.

I also know that when it comes to loss and pain we do have to go through it. Others can say they care but often actions speak louder than words.  What I find when others don’t respond to a call or a text for a long period is that I fall into a deep abandonment space.  My ex partner who had strong narcissistic tendencies would often use silence to punish me.  If I did something he didn’t approve of (and usually this was just express emotions like sadness or anger) he would leave and cut me off for days, only promising to return and continue the relationship if I agreed that my emotions were ‘silly’ and needed to be ‘put behind me”.  So now when people dont respond or I did as when the aforementioned family member contacted me I wonder what the hell is going wrong and the answer is so often extreme.

All I can do with myself is sit with it in my own space and skin and give it over.  If I worry and ruminate on it, or make up reasons who knows if they are right or wrong, will be comforting or punishing (most often the later).   If I WAS angry I fear I will lose my love for daring to express it.  I have a post banked up to post later on a therapeutic point of view about what lies hidden under anger.

In it, Peter Levine states that anger often is a legitimate response to be denied or thwarted in some way, a critical need may be being cut off or shamed (it might not just be all about us trying to have our own way).  In any case meeting that anger with empathy and tenderness would go further than trying to punish or shame the person for having those feelings.  Many of us from invalidating backgrounds have feelings like sadness and anger bound in shame which means later in life we cannot even feel them without feeling shame, anxiety or fear.  But if our e-motions (personal soul energy in motion) are treated this way over time what happens to our souls?  Many of us have panic or anxiety attacks and may not know what actually lies underneath, a critical truth our body tried to express or get met but could not.  It’s just one perspective.

If we have been invalidated, shut down or traumatised by this kind of abuse our propulsion to move forward and engage also gets shut down, we can fall into depression or collapse,  those whose blocking led to this result may be invested in not seeing the part they played, but we must if we wish to get free.  If we remain collapsed, silent and shame bound how can we live fully?  Freely?

That said there is a time to stay silent and that time is when we know we are around those who don’t understand and could never in a million years validate our suffering.   The important thing is that we know what we are feeling makes sense and is real.   Silence can be both protecting and wounding depending on what we make of it and how it is being used by ourselves and others.