A vacancy


Biding my time

Standing in the shadows of this life

I wait for a word from you

With a hunger that stems from years ago

I am growing rake thin

With the wanting

With this longing

With the waiting

Who knows

If I am real for you

Who knows if

I am meant to even try

Any more

To build some kind of relationship

When all there is left is

A vacancy

There are so many silences between us

And in the gaps between

Pain and hurt and disappointment

That have lost their voice

Scream silently

As inside my chest

I feel sandpaper being rubbed across my heart

You say you have no hunger

For food anymore

I sense the hunger for life

That burned in you like a fire

Was so long ago doused

With the ice cold water

Of other’s invalidation

And you succumbed to the introjects

They forced you to swallow

So much that in time you lost the fight

And collapsed under the weight of unresolved longing

So now if I wait for you

Isn’t my waiting all in vain?

I am grieving here

But so are you

Grief growing larger with each silence

My love for you will never end

Because as your sister

I always loved and longed for you

But for some strange reasons

Our souls could rarely touch

So now, if I feel

Beneath the surface

All the pain unspoken

Please dont blame me

If I take my leave

For I can no longer stay

Tethered to this empty hurting place

Longing for presence to appear

Out of emptiness

This emptiness is what I must embrace

And work to fill

Inside my soul

For who amongst us

Can bear so long

This pain

Of waiting and wanting

And wishing and longing

All in vain

6 thoughts on “A vacancy

  1. Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:

    I am thankful to Kelly for liking this post I wrote in January just before my sister’s second last hospitialisation. After Mum died she did not call me one single day. It speaks of the pain I held in my heart. I still give love to my sis, I am beginning to realise now that her depression makes it impossible for her to give it back (maybe because she struggles to give it to herself) or maybe I am asking too much I just don’t know!

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