The following extract comes from Tara Brach’s book True Refuge : Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart. Interestingly it concerns a woman who Tara was working with in therapy who as a young child had her long hair cut off by her mother as it was too much bother. I was sharing in a post a few days ago how this also happened to me and the trauma of it was felt when I went to the hairdresser late last week following my Mum’s death. The woman in question, Jane, had also had her mother die a few years before the time she was seeing Tara. In therapy she was sharing how the pain of this event had awakened in her heart through intense feelings of fear, felt as a claw “pulling and tearing at my heart”. What followed was an outburst of anger towards her mother for subjecting Jane to this ordeal.
The anger soon turned into deep sadness as Tara worked with Jane encouraging her to feel the pain and grief deeply in her body, and in time it transformed into peace. Jane had reached some deeply powerful realisations as a result.
Brach writes the following in her book :
Carl Jung wrote, “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived life of the parents.” The outer domain of our unlived life includes all the places where we’ve held back from pursuing and manifesting our potential – in education and career, in relationships and creativity. But it is the inner domain of our unlived life that sets this suffering in motion. Here we find raw sensations, the longings and hurts, the passions and fears that we have not allowed ourselves to feel. When we pull away from the energetic basis of our experience, we turn away from the truth of what is. We make a terrible bargain. When we separate from the felt sense of our pain, we also separate from the visceral experience of love that allows for true intimacy with others. We cut ourselves off from the sensory aliveness that connects us with the natural world. When there is unlived life, we can’t take good care of ourselves, our children, our world.
The feelings you are trying to ignore are like a screaming child who has been sent to her room. You can put earplugs in and barricade yourself in the farthest end of the house, but the body and the unconscious mind don’t forget. Maybe you feel tension or guilt. Maybe…. you are baffled by intimacy or haunted by a sense of meaninglessness. Maybe you fixate on all the things you need to get done. You can’t live in a spontaneous way because your body and mind are still reacting to the presence of your distressed child. Everythingy ou do to ignore her, including becoming numb, only strengthens your link with her. Your very felt sense of who you are …is fused with the experience of pushing away a central part of your life or running from it.
In shutting down the passion, hurt and pain she had experienced as a young girl whose precious hair was butchered, Jane had locked herself into a numb and anxious fragment of who she was. Yet something in her was calling her to live more fully. By beginning to contact her body’s experience, by touching ground, she was opening the door to what she had been running from.
Traumas of this kind may seem inconsequential, but really they are not. Something was done to us we didn’t want or need and had no power over and feelings do remain. The true self in Jane probably loved her long hair, it wasn’t all just about ego and looking a certain way, hair does hold our power and is connected to our heads which are such a vital part of our being. To be subjected to something that upset us and then to be laughed at for reacting (as Jane was) leaves a scar and a powerful subliminal message. Going numb to it does not mean the feelings go away, they need to be dealt with, with compassion and sensitivity.