Still and small and quiet

The shock of losing my Mum and the events leading up to her death, contributed to by my deep unconsciousness has floored me over the past 20 hours or so.   I see so much I could not see before and see the part I played in contributing to that fall of my mother.  I pushed her to accept a visit that was difficult for her.   I know my heart was in the right place but if I had not forced my will on it, I really feel my Mum would still be alive.   I dont know how I am going to get over this or live in the aftermath with the guilt I feel.

I went to the dinner last night with my two nephews who remained.  There was minimal contact with them all over the time.  I sensed they didnt want me along at their lunches.  I was clear I could not handle lots of drinking and I didn’t want that in my home any more.  To be honest I was also trying to skirt around all the people at the funeral going through the side door.  People only know me and my family from the outside, not deep within.  There were some people there who fought against where I was when I was drinking many years ago trying to point out to me I was doing damage.

It was so challenging to deliver the family eulogy in which I spoke to the family schisms in the most gentle way I could.   I know there are deeper reasons for my sister in law wanting little do with my Mum.  I made an effort to try and connect with my brother’s oldest son and his family yesterday.  His two beautiful daughters were so deeply affected and very sad and held themselves with such grace.

Today I woke up with so much guilt.  I phoned life line last night.  My therapist will take no calls between sessions so I have to find other sources to hold me.  I am now faced with the challenge of whether I accept this and go back to her as I have been with her for 2 years now.  How can I start again when the new therapsit will need to know all my family history which takes ages and is so damned complex?   So I may need to accept her boundaries even thought they dont seemt to be taking into account what I truely need. There is also the addiction aspect so I need to address that with Al Anon meetings and AA meetings.

Outside the window it is hot as hell too and the planet seems to be in meltdown.  I open the web browser to stories of human disaster and nastiness.  I know there is love on this planet but what we are doing to it and to one another at times is truely horrific.   You almost have to be numb to not feel it all. So today I want to stay still small and quiet.  To fly under the radar, to feel my heart.   My Mum is gone I will never have her back and that has left an emptiness I must fill with spiritual food and connection.    I feel the deep mother wound we all carry at a collective level manifests in how we treat the earth of our body, cells and planet.   I know my Mum lived in the old earthly way and that was touched on in one of my nephew’s eulogies yesterday.  He said “Grandma was the only person I know who still had a landline,” so true.  I resisted getting my mobile phone years ago then succumbed.   It was a relief last night to feel cool wind blowing through my bedroom door and soft rain.  I felt my mother had become that essense of wind and rain and it is something someone said to me yesterday who has worked in hospice care for 16 years.  That as the spirit leaves, breath becomes air, so my mother now is both the wind and rain.   That is where I will go to draw comfort.