A whole lotta love

A whole lot of love flowed at my Mum’s funeral celebration today.  I was the little shy crab creeping in the side door of the chapel to avoid too much contact and it was hard to know how much I could trust if the ocean bank flowed open, which it did following my eulogy.  I was held and comforted by my youngest nephew as How Deep Is Your Love played.   The love from those who attended was overwhelming.  My mother was deeply loved.

It was so hard to say goodbye to my oldest nephew who is returning to the UK this evening.   I had a deep feeling I may not see him again but wondered if it was ancestral as in a letter some years after he had emigrated to New Zealand my great, great, great grandfather told my great, great grandfather he feared he would never see him again and it was true.  I let go anyway.  I was a little upset they didnt invite me to lunch so I just went home alone which was fine.   I had a salad and relax with Jasper the huge hole that seems to open up and nearly swallow me only lasted for an hour or so.   As I settled quietly at home I felt better.  We are going out to dinner tonight, I am anxious about it, I carry anxiety that everyone will get on.   Its not rational but its part of me.

All in all today went beautifully.  Most people commented on how wonderful the eulogy I gave was as were the heartfelt eulogies given by my nephews (three in all) as well.   It was a fitting send off to my Mum and now she is let go.   I felt a wave of missing her so strong around 4 pm.   I know these waves will come and go like the tide and pass.  I am in a grief process with its own schedule.   I must try to trust it and ride it.  I have noticed there is a lot of fear around loss and grief and maybe that is why sometimes we lash out in the middle of it  Luckily that isnt happening now and I feel grateful I could let the tender fearful feelings just exist and give them space inside me.   I must have made some progress even over the past weeks with this