A whole lotta love

A whole lot of love flowed at my Mum’s funeral celebration today.  I was the little shy crab creeping in the side door of the chapel to avoid too much contact and it was hard to know how much I could trust if the ocean bank flowed open, which it did following my eulogy.  I was held and comforted by my youngest nephew as How Deep Is Your Love played.   The love from those who attended was overwhelming.  My mother was deeply loved.

It was so hard to say goodbye to my oldest nephew who is returning to the UK this evening.   I had a deep feeling I may not see him again but wondered if it was ancestral as in a letter some years after he had emigrated to New Zealand my great, great, great grandfather told my great, great grandfather he feared he would never see him again and it was true.  I let go anyway.  I was a little upset they didnt invite me to lunch so I just went home alone which was fine.   I had a salad and relax with Jasper the huge hole that seems to open up and nearly swallow me only lasted for an hour or so.   As I settled quietly at home I felt better.  We are going out to dinner tonight, I am anxious about it, I carry anxiety that everyone will get on.   Its not rational but its part of me.

All in all today went beautifully.  Most people commented on how wonderful the eulogy I gave was as were the heartfelt eulogies given by my nephews (three in all) as well.   It was a fitting send off to my Mum and now she is let go.   I felt a wave of missing her so strong around 4 pm.   I know these waves will come and go like the tide and pass.  I am in a grief process with its own schedule.   I must try to trust it and ride it.  I have noticed there is a lot of fear around loss and grief and maybe that is why sometimes we lash out in the middle of it  Luckily that isnt happening now and I feel grateful I could let the tender fearful feelings just exist and give them space inside me.   I must have made some progress even over the past weeks with this

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Accepting Emotions, Anxious Attachment, Grief and Loss, Love17 Comments

17 thoughts on “A whole lotta love”

  1. I just had a nephew last month, the oops baby, because he was a late baby unexpected to get pregnant.. anyway he was only 41 he died of an overdose. When you mention that song I think of the group Led Zeppelin. I don’t think he was in the classical rock as he was so young. But I do have a whole lot of love for him. Warm regards, love Sandy Mally

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  2. And by the way this nephew of mine comes from a very tight-knit family very close and yet so far away from me and my family. His mother is my mother sister. Big family so the age differences are so huge from sisters to Brothers two cousins and second cousins and third cousins, the funeral was so huge. There was people there that were related to me and I didn’t know their name and they didn’t know me. But still there was a whole lot of love two people I didn’t even know. I hear you and I understand you and I see him in Facebook as a popular cute guy in his generation. He will be missed as so will yours. Whole lot of love, Sandy Mally

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    1. Yes it was actually my Mother who died. My nephew supported me and he was very upset too. It can be hard in large families to all stay connected, so many things happen to keep us apart or branching in different directions. If we do meet its a blessing and so comforting. A whole lot of love from me, too, Sandy x

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