I had a friend growing up that was always kind but due to all the trauma going on for me we didnt get to bond deeply. After my father died and I went away we lost touch, but the other day when I called to tell her about my Mum her response was by far the most genuine and heartfelt of my earthly (this does not include cyber/WordPress friends who have been so supportive) friends. Today when I was really struggling with a lot of unnecessary guilt I called her to reach out. She has never been to my place but immediately she said “where do you live? I am coming over in an hour!” That blew my mind. She arrived with a beautiful bunch of hand picked roses from her garden, she lives with her mother in law who is aging to support her after the death of her partner who was one of my Mum’s school friends.
We sat outside and caught up on some of the years of my trauma history, a lot she did not know. I was fully honest about the terminations of pregnancy during my ‘lost’ years of addiction and broke down. She held my hand and said how proud she was of me. I didn’t expect that, I was scared she may judge me. It was so beautiful. Then she opened her heart to me about real inner issues she told me she could not share with many others. I felt such gratitude. Soon I had to meet with family who wanted objects from my Mum’s home. Part of me didnt want to go. I know that family are on a very different wavelength to me. Today my brother emailed me his eulogy its full of the facts of Mum’s life. It is soft though and he is gracious in thanking those who really were of amazing support to my Mum in the final years of her life, but its all about her outer life not the inner. As her oldest child perhaps due to his generational position he operates on this wavelength. Why can’t I just be gracious and accept this?
After the object had been taken by the person who wanted it, it was a relief to leave the apartment, Mum is no longer there and it felt very surreal to be there all together. We had a cup of coffee and some juices together and I was glad to get home as today is a very oppressive hot day in Australia, with much cloud cover.
When I get home to my sanctuary all the pressure flows away from me. I do best in solitude really. I often feel so much like a stranger in the world. I don’t want to go into isolation which is why I will keep reaching out to friends. Part of me feels that I never could separate from my family until now. They are all off doing there own thing this afternoon which is good. We all have to be self supporting in this life. Tagging along together is not always possible and sometimes connections can hold us back. I was grateful to open messenger today and receive some lovely messages via it. There are some people I can really open up to at this time. Others look at me as if I am a bit strange when I cry. I feel a bit like a laboratory specimen then, I feel they may be judging me but I dont know. They will never know my inner life. What they think of me is none of my business. All I know is that here at home with Jasper is where I feel best. Writing my blog is where I feel most ‘connected’. I am so grateful for it, but the value of a true earthly friend is so important so I thank God for my friend.