Ordeal

Those who follow my blog will know what an ordeal the past 8 days have been, commencing with my grand niece’s convulsions and visit to emergency and followed by my mother’s fall just under a week ago.  I feel as thought I am living in a nightmare reality, as my Mum is now laying dying in hospital (according to my brother and the doctor).  When I visited her last night she was conscious and in a lot of pain, I sat with her from 20 minutes then she told me to go (more out of concern for me).  I just could not leave her after so short a time and this is what Mum always did, never asking much.  I stayed and then she started getting agitated and fidgetty.  “I need to get moving,” she said to me.  I called the nurse and struggled with the side handrail on the bed that kept her prisoner.  We had her up and standing several times and then back she was on the bed doubled in pain and crying.  I was stroking her back near where her hospital nappy was on, trying not to take the pain on but to be with her in the pain.   Eventually they gave her a pill and she seemed to settle, I feel selfish but I was so tired I finally left at 9.30 pm.  At 2 pm I awoke to the sound of knocking, I was deep in dream scape and getting up was so hard, I literally felt like I was going to fall down.  It was my brother, they had tried to call me and then my sister and not raised me.   He told me he didnt think she had long, but I just could not go to the hospital, I was so exhausted so he promised to ring me.  I got back into the safety of bed and after 2 or so hours managed to fall asleep, when I awoke at 7 am my body was uncoiling and coiling (its hard to describe here)  I remembered that 12 of December is the date my ancestors set sail from Cornwall to New Zealand 145 years ago.  I thought of my Mum saying to me last night “I’ve got to get moving.”  It may be all active imagination on my part but after reading about core sentences and core trauma in Mark Wolynns book on inter-generational healing I could not help but feel something was going on.  By the time I got to the hospital Mum was labouring to breathe and was no longer conscious, the woman of last night who could say those words had just disappeared.  It took every ounce of my strength to stay in that room for one and a half hours.   Both my sister and brother were there but no one was saying much.  My brother looked kind of happy that it would all soon be over (did I imagine that?).  One of my nephews who is really fond of Mum had rung wanting to come down and my brother had told him “it wasnt a good idea”.  I felt my chest burning and wanted to scream.   I didnt but I did ask my brother who had the right to decide that?  Any way between deep tears at seeing the conditon my Mum was in and brief sojourns out of the room I finally left a few hours later crying all the way to the foyer.  I felt I was in outer space, no one seemed to see me until I nearly got to the front doors of the hospital then two women appeared out of left field and embraced me, they let me verbalise and cry, the affirmed me, they got the pastoral care person who through some form of grace turned out to be from my year at school.  She was amazing to me.  She spent about 20 minutes with me in the chapel and I was able to get my pain and grief out with her.  Thanks be to God or higher power or Goddess.  She offered when I go back to sit with my Mum with me, I dont feel comfortable sitting in the room with my brother and sister. I know its my issue.   I know they are grieving too and cant see me.  At one point my brother called me Debbie and I picked him up on it, I havent been called that since I was 12.   I realised I was getting punchy with it and realised that was probably my own grief talking and I needed to pull it back.

Death is hard.  I have been talking to a good friend who lost both parents in her 30s.  When my father died when I was 23 I didnt get to grieve at all.  I never saw his body.  He died under an emergency procedure alone.   Now I am not finding it easy to be there with my Mum in the state she is in, I have to be honest.  I know there is no wrong or right.  I will go back up later for an hour or so but its all I can manage.  I would rather be here in the peace and stillness of my little cottage drawing close to her and to nature.  I found I was getting triggere……. the call came my Mum passed away today at 4.06 pm.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Uncategorized20 Comments

20 thoughts on “Ordeal”

  1. This brought tears to my eyes reading, I am so so sorry to read this. Sending all my love. I wish there were words I could type that could help right now, but I doubt they even exist. Be kind to yourself in the coming weeks, months etc. Love Susanne xxxxxx

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  2. Dear Deborah, I haven’t been reading blog posts for ages..I am so sorry to read that this has happened. I can really feel your distress and I know that nothing will ease the discomfort you are feeling right now. All I can say is, I am so sorry for your loss and just as Susanne said above, be very kind to yourself from today onwards..Grief takes it’s time and you might be feeling triggered on top of this grief as well. Sending you many many hugs and just take it one hour at a time! ❤ ❤ lots of love xx

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    1. Thanks Athina I am just very blessed I have love around me now in a way I didnt years ago and have had support from my Cousin and a good friend. I will take care. I feel very weak at present. Your kind thoughts and wishes mean so much to me. Love Deborah ❤

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  3. This is heartbreaking Deborah. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel any better, but just know that I’m holding you in my heart. Sending love and comfort out to you during this hard time.

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  4. My heart goes out to you 💛 Know that you have a support system here and a place to express whatever you need to. There is no right way to process this all. Strength and light to you x

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  5. Oh Deborah…I’m so sorry to read this. I started backwards on catching up with you, sorry dear. I’m sure you are feeling floods of varying emotions and nothing I say will make much difference. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you and sending love as you travel this new road on your journey💕

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    1. Thank you Jami. Its very oceanic at the moment — huge waves of sadness hit at unexpected times and the rest of the time I am bathed in peace and letting go Its so profound. Your thoughts and care mean the world to me. Mum was difficult at times but very giving and irreplacable. Love to you too xox

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  6. Sending you love and light. There is no right way to navigate the hurt – old , new or triggered. I’m sorry for the loss of your Mom. I wish you well on your journey emerging from the dark night. Continue to love yourself first, observing your body messages and re-parenting your inner child. Go easy – Beth

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    1. Thanks Beth this was written from the raw space on the day I got the news Mum was finally gone.
      I have faith because I know I also carried parts of my mother’s wounded self. I understand even more than I did in 2017 when this was written.

      I really appreciate you reading and commenting and all you have said, Beth. Thanks so much
      with love
      Deborah

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