I wrote this piece after working through the conflict with my therapist in session on Monday. It just a stream of consciousness piece that flowed out of what I experienced in session, before and after:
Do I see you clearly, or only my perception/projection? How much of my hope is real? For surely you are not me. At times we may meet and our souls join and then we are bathed in sweet harmony. At other times we clash and you become to me the rejecting mother that one who never saw me and never felt my pain at all. Then my pain is globalised because inner child’s wound opens and is bleeding, but at these times I need to remember that my wounded self is not the whole of me and beneath it lies a deeper sanity, I may not yet have tapped if I have not learned to trust or too many times met the rod of iron laid hard against my back with no hope of surrender.
The demon face I see in my mind dissolves as we greet each other and you look on me with love. I am so glad I did not let past fears block me. I see that when there has been great pain, it can be so hard to see realistically. I am so glad for this moment of trust when I was able to fall apart with the recognition you gave and find the wound again but this time, in feeling work towards tending and healing it. When you love and accept me in that place you remind me it is not the whole of me, only what happened to me and something my soul can be free of in time.