Living true to ourselves

There is such power in knowing and living true to our deepest values.  Its so important to know what they are, for if we by pass them on the road to self because we were told there was something wrong with them we lose our connection to our authetic being and essence and then somewhere in some part of us we wither up and grieve.

I have not always been strong in my own values.  I learned as a youngster that I was fairly powerless. What I wanted in terms of things I asked for from parents was often denied.  Reasonable requests for a horse or a dog or to be sent away to boarding school when I was so lonely for other company at home after my second sister left.    I learned it was useless to want.  When I got hurt it ‘didn’t hurt’.  I wasn’t held or comforted or soothed.  I was put into my room when I got angry, ‘to think it over”, what at 5?  What about the time at 5 my older sister took my koala bear that played music and held it up to the door smashing it in order to get me back for something meaning the music box broke.  I cried about that and I dont remember my parents acting to do anything to tell her it was wrong.    I didn’t necessarily want her punished, only held to account.  But she never was.

In later years Mum has told me she could not get angry with her mother for certain abuse because her mother was under presssure.  That may be true but its not an excuse to hurt a child.  We all know the world is not perfect and my Nana was under a lot of pressure but the way she treated my Mum didnt help her to feel worthy, loved or important.  It taught her she had to cry alone and there was no one there to dry her tears or comfort her in her fears.  Now my Mum just pushes on and believes others should too, which is really sad.

I do feel for my Mum. I know the wounds she passed on were not intentional.  Doing her own inner work may have meant she could say she was sorry even if she was not totally responsible for her own issues.   That could not happen.  I have accepted it now.   She struggles to give the help to those who really need it and I can understand that its painful as she never got that support.   I think she does give in the only way she knows how.

Anyway I started this by saying its only when we know our own values and act on them that we can be happy.  I consider lately that my own value is to help others if I can and its a good kind of helping.  I have given help to my nephew this weekend and I am glad I could do it.  Having had the financial support I have had and being able to pass it on means a lot to me.  I also want to find ways to financially support myself more over the coming years.  Not being able to work for the past 10 or so years due to Complex PTSD has been hard.   I worry about not having been able to generate my own income (yet).

My other value is love.  I want to live by it but not a wishy washy love, rather one that is solid embodied and real.  It means standing up for what I believe in without trouncing on the needs, rights and opinions of others.  It means having a voice.  It means living true to myself.  When I do that I feel so strong, all my fear melts away.  I know I will face other fears along the way but if I just keep staying as strong as I can, I am sure facing them will be okay.

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