I am going to see my therapist this morning. I changed our time to an earlier one. I was very upset with her again when she would not make the effort to reach out when I was struggling but then I am aware of my reactions and know I dont always understand all the deeper layers. I had coffee with a friend and she said she thought the way my therapist had seemed to ‘drop’ me was out of order and she said she would not have gone back. You have come so far she said to me, I see such a change in you lately, dont let her bring you back down.
That said things are very complex at the moment with the way I am such a conduit in the family and I know having emotional recovery makes me more aware of depths, for example I know how deep the mother loss, mother hunger wound goes in our family. It affected us all not only psychologically but in the relationship we had with our bodies and more the past two generations it has resulted in a father loss too. When my great great grandfather turned alcoholic in response to his own mother loss that had an impact, a huge ripple affect. His wife left him and some of his younger children stayed close by my great grandmother moved countries to Australia from New Zealand doing what her own father did when he left Cornwall, then my Nana left her mother to come to Canberra with her husband and my Mum was born a long way away from all family. Now my nephew is considering he will have to move to Tasmania (an island off the coast of Australia) with his family in two years time to afford a place and find a more artisitic lifestyle. But now he wants his little daughter to have a relationship with us and Mum is so sick on pain meds she cannot have that relationship because emotional things have impacted at such a bodily level she now can’t access feelings and is tired and sick all of the time. It just breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do but offer love, My Mum puts medical doctors on a pedestal and they do nothing about the emotional side. As person in active addiction recovery I stay clear of doctors as much as possible.
When I woke up this morning I was thinking of the unconscious and the family unconscious as a huge sea or ocean (Neptune) and of how I watched that force come in and sweep so much away from me over years, most especially 1980 – 1987. The landscape was fundamentally changed, I was struggling to keep my head up and then seeking the comfort missing in the warmth of booze which only took me to darker places and with other bodies I could not really connect to. It was the force behind me falling pregnant 5 times before I was married at 31. None of the babies made it. I knew I could only offer them emotional abandonment. The last termination was in the first year of my marriage when I was newly sober.
I guess the bond I feel to my nephews, but most particularly the third child of my now dead sister is deep due to this. We live far apart and don’t see a lot of each other. As a recovering person I was always wary about spending heaps of time around those in my family still using alcohol. I find the ones I relate to now dont drink or drink only very rarely. My nephew and I were talking about this yesterday and noticing the traits of nastiness and emotional distance that go on with active consumption. (This is not to judge anyone who drinks – it’s about consciousness. You may drink and have a higher level of consciousness for all I know!)
Anway, back to therapy. Perhaps this latest skirmish is about accepting the limits of my therapists boundaries. I am uncomfortable with the professional/lay person divide as I know a lot of people in recovery are. When you go to 12 step meetings you are aware of an equality. Hopefully no one tries to distance from you but sees you as an equal. I dont know where I am going with this but at some level I am have lost some trust in my therapist over the past week or so. I dont know if she can give me what I truely need. But rather than break it without addressing things I need to go today and share what is going on with her. I can see her reason for not calling me back yesterday as I think in her text what she was trying to say that feelings are best dealt with in the room body to body where things are different to over the phone. I got through yesterday anyway and was lucky to have a friend to meet with than stay at home with everything going around in my head.
I read of how others feel such a love connection with their therapists and long for that. I hate all this ‘depriving you of the breast’ shit my therapist goes on with. I think its BS quite frankly psychospeak that helps the therapist to stay godly. I left the last therapist as it became clear she had mother issues and if you are not prepared to be a mother for part of the time while your client works through those issues you may end up wounding them further or repeating the wound or make them carry your own shadow. I dont know if readers understand this or have experienced it. Its just an intuition I have.
Anyway this is for me to get some of the feelings out. There is so much in my family I cannot change, there is so much to feel. I was so happy though that yesterday I was able to give my nephew and his wife practial aid. Its not like being able to hug them but its the most I can do at this point and from this distance and it felt so good to do it. I feel so much better today knowing I took action in accord with my values and moved through the fear. I just have to stay strong with my therapist to figure things out. It may be best not to be left with no emotional support as we move closer to Christmas. Life may not be ideal but it may just be ‘good enough.’