Eclipsed

I know I don`t always see things clearly.  I think its part of my PTSD in that my body after very serious accidents and other traumas was flooded and as I look back as a youngster I was floodedy by family energies and had to duck and weave a lot of the time.  I have shared in other posts lots of injuries I suffered due to parental neglect and over involement in their own concerns.  I think that is why I was so hurt with my therapist on Saturday, it was not for a simple reason I called her but due to a big conflict that left me feeling very alone again.  I understand she was at a conference about to give a paper and was stressed but I feel the way she responded to me was out of order.  As an adult I can take it on the chin, but my inner child is still pissed about it and on Tuesday she said she has let me down by taking too many of my calls out of hours.  WTF?   If she had set a boundary I would not have called but I would have looked for another therapist and all the time she never said anything when she took those calls and now she is changing the goal posts.  There was no deeper therapeutic acknowledgement of how it was in that situation for my inner child either.  There could have been a sorry for that, but there was not and that is how it was in my family so I am extra angry about it really but I went to the session wanting to be nice civil and adult about it and she got to set the goal posts without the deeper acknowledgement.

I decided not to go today.  It affected my body after Tuesdays session I was back in a badly twisted up place.  It took all of yesterday for me to come right.  I think when I tune into my inner child she is asking me not to self abandon again.  What happened with Kat didnt feel good.  And it didnt feel right.

What has also annoyed me is that often I find more information about what I am going through via reading outside of sessions than in sessions.  She feeds on a lot of things I bring to sessio.  Also I hate it when therapists go all therapisty as she did with me on Tuesday!  Fucks sake they are just humans too with their own wounds they can re-enact.  I know after attending AA that a lot of recovering people stop therapy after a time as they learn more through recovery and in that fellowship everyone is equal and doesnt pull rank.   Also when you reach out you will be connected to and if the wound you suffer is due to attachment stuff that is what you need at times.  I have done a huge amount of holding myself all throughout my life and found it hard enough to reach out and dare to risk depending again.

Anyway I havent broken my therapy yet and this has made it extra clear to me that now, as an adult I need to rely on myself.   I had a better day yesterday when I shared good information on here to help others, did some gardening, had a lovely walk with my dog and enjoyed a visit to the library after my morning coffee.  These are the kind of activities that help soothe my PTSD.   Not therapy clashes.

Anyway I have vented here now, in this blog and feel a lot better.   I headed this blog up ~Eclipsed~ because earlier today I tried to start my computer and it would not start.  When I looked at the power point I thought I saw the charger was plugged in.  I kept trying to start the laptop, took the battery in and out several times and then rang Hewlet Packard support.  When the guy told me to check the charger I looked down to see the plug to the charger was not plugged into the socket but rather the vacuum cleaner cord was plugged in.  I had looked before and not seen it as it was.  This made me wonder how when I am a bit stressed (as I was this morning while trying to decide about the therapy appointment) I don`t see straight.  In my book on the Toddler brain I have shared about lately Steven Stosny writes that people who are anxious cannot pay as close attention to things and often miss details or nuances.  So it is if we have complex PTSD, PTSD or other stresses in our life.  Its hard to see straight.  Getting into a calmer space is then the best thing to do.  Its what I did this morning.  I just changed my focus onto manageable tasks.  In time my PC problem came right.   I am sure that is some kind of metaphor.   I will get over the angst with Kat in time and integrate the latest lesson, but for now I am practicing self care.  Its the best thing to do.   And its a sign of growth that I can.  🙂