A deep well

I am not sure what is happening over the past few days but do energetically feel my deep Neptune place being opened and expanded by Jupiter passing over it in Scorpio.  I just had a vision of the viper who would strike out (perhaps a symbol of the reptilian fear/flight/fight brain?) from deep within as I contemplated and felt deeply into what I am feeling today.   I was then thinking of how hyper reactity or a lack of capacity to self soothe can run in families according to epigenetic research and if we are born to a high wired parent with a legacy of past separation, abandonment or loss that has not been resolved I do believe we can absorb that.

My previous post was on how reacting out of anger drives love away but the truth is that anger may be as my therapist calls it “the final cry of the true self”.   If everything we needed, longed for and desired in form of attachments is taken from us, how could we not be angry, most especially if we had to develop false ways to get that well of unmet need met covering our true feelings of helplessness, anger and loss over years?

Underlying that pain is so much longing for love and a deep well of grief at being denied it.  I personally wonder how much of this kind of pain manifests in various forms of addiction.  Its been shown attachment wounds and abandonment wounds underlie the iceberg of trauma that leads to addiction.   I was also wondering today how alcohol or other drug abuse also alters gene structure.  Surely it must do in the most profound ways.  There is a strong link I noticed throughout my recovery between disorders such as bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder and addiction or substance abuse.

Often we lack the capacity to self soothe or contain ourselves, we may long unconsciously for a loving embrace and find that in alcohol, drugs and other substances.  Once we stop the self medication we are left with the raw pulsing wound and we need a lot of consciousness to develop before we can deeply understand it and respond out of it, rather than reacting on a fine hair trigger.   There can be alot of grieving our inner child needs to do for what he or she never got.  As long as we are trying to fix, control or change things we can not we are trouble and life becomes umanageable we also miss out on the deeper work which is to find the self love within.  I think that is where I found myself yesterday.

Another question I am asking in this deep well space is how we cope with all that longing trapped deep inside, most especially when there is no one around to give us a hug.  I felt this most deeply a while ago while clearing up some of the debris after Friday’s late afternoon storm.  I felt that what I longed for was just a big hug.  To be able to sit down with someone in my home and have a cup of tea.  This is the time I need to reach out but today I am feeling so tired after all the emotional boil triggered by seeing my brother yesterday.   Never the less I can make the decision to stop, be still, look deep into my beautiful dog Jasper’s eyes and surrender to what I am feeling and need to release from deep inside.  That is my own kind of deep hug.  Its all I have in the absence of other company.

I’m feeling extra sad as I had a clash with my therapist this morning.   She has been at a conference all weekend and can’t talk on the phone.  I asked her what is her priorty, a client in need or her conference.  All she said was “come on!” in a parental voice and then I hung up the phone, she was on the hop anyway waiting for a car to take her from her hotel to the conference venue and I sensed my call was putting her under more stress.  I was also really angry she could not be there for me today with all I had kicking around inside.  So kerclunk down went the phone ( 😦 )

I was very panicked when I got off the phone but I just concentrated on my body symptoms using mindfulness and it passed and I arrested a freak out.  I know she is only human, she gives a lot, its bad timing this weekend having had the clash with my brother and it hurts my body to have to hold it all inside.  Luckily my Mum called this morning and I was able to cry about it all with her.  I see how I make my brother ‘bad’ when I dont feel he is responding from an emotional place.  Anyway this blog is my therapy and working out process today.

I was all set to go out for a walk with Jasper and he wasnt budging.  I did some doggy presence therapy with him and now he is snoring at my feet.  All is okay, it really is.  No one died due to the confrontation with my brother.  I got some hurt and pain off my chest and today I have collapsed into grief, but that is good.  I know if I cry it out things will become calm inside and I will feel peace.

There is a great quote in my Tian Dayton recovery and forgiveness book that I want to find later which speaks about emotional boil, how when we go through those times when so much is triggered its okay to hold and contain and feel it all, we need to let the situation boil away until it transforms or something in us gives way, lets go or is released.  If we react without containing at these times we may lose a valuable opportunity to alchemise or transform our pain or descend to deeper layers.    It can be hard to stay with our anger and pain, most especially with family members or loved ones, but we gain a lot when we do. Only then are we free to respond from a more fully conscious place.