Tussle : a conundrum

Difficult night’s sleep last night after the revelations that came to light yesterday about my older sister (who is now dead) and her suicide attempt.   I felt very enmeshed coming out of yesterdays meeting with a family friend who is the oldest daughter of my god parents.  The background is that my godfather, Piet, left Holland with my father in 1938 to go to Indonesia.  Growing up Uncle Piet was more like a father to me, especially in later years after I got sober.  He validated my pain and struggle in my emotionally neglectful family to a great degree.  It was with he and my Godmother I went to stay after returning from overseas at 25.  I went there (overseas) a few months after Dad died and stayed 2 and a half years.  There was no place back home with my mother who was on the phone pleading with me to come home after sending me away and then told me when I arrived home she was remarrying.   I left shortly after to live in another town and my God parents took me in.  They took me back in when I fell pregnant in the darkest final years of my addiction and needed to have a termiantion as the sac with the baby ruptured.  My sister told me many years later my Mum was questioning whether she should support me or not at that time.  Thanks a lot Mum, when I needed you when the fuck were you ever there!!!  (This is past anger I am working on it!)

I woke in the middle of the night with all of this going around and around in my head.  A photo of my godfather sits on my bedroom table.  It was taken on the day of my wedding in 1993, he gave me away and we are hugging in the photo.  I cried a lot last night with missing him.   He died in 2003.  He was more emotionally there for me than my father ever was but perhaps if Dad had lived it may have been different.  The difference was Piet was not hell bent on becoming a millionaire and sadly in later years my Dad had less to do with him because Piet was only a ‘lowly’ mechanic.  I use that word to convey my Dad’s bias not mine

My Godmother and I had a difficult relationship after Piet died.  I felt upset because in final years they were trying to paint him as angry and full of dementia.  What was happening was that his maternal abandonment (his mother died when he was only 3) which had never been dealt with came to the fore.  His daughter was telling me yesterday how she spent a lot of time with him in the later years talking about it.  What if she had not done that and just tried to judge him as my Godmother did?   I knew myself what he had endured and it was a part of our bond.

I like to believe my Godfather is around me in spirit.  I was praying to him last night.  I know he was in no way a perfect father and had heaps of flaws but he was the one male figure I felt close to.

I am having some residual anger towards my Mum.  My sister wanted to strangle her for all kinds of reasons.  I can get it.   I still have empathy for my Mum though, but at times its tough as she has never owned her own part in emotional abandonment.   She wants me to go and pick her up tomorrow night to take her to a function 10 minutes away.  Partly I dont want to do it.  I want to tell her to get a fucking taxi.   I dare not say it!  There I go miss ‘nice girl’.  Maybe I need to be honest.  Luckily I have therapy today so we can discuss this.  I try to compensate when I know my Mum and my other living sister are in pain.  My other sister’s suicide attempt 4 years ago came up yesterday too.  It was the first time Mum could unburden her story about it with someone.  I wish to God my Mum was in therapy, all this pain is too much to carry alone, its why her pelvis fractured several times and why she is now on constant pain meds.  Feeling the feelings and being honest enough to face her part in things would free her.  But she wont do it.  I do feel compassion but I no longer want to sacrifice my life.

I am a bit scared at the moment as I have been reading a book on Radical Forgiveness in which the author claims that failing to forgive often leads to cancer and that often a broken heart proceedes breast cancer.  I had my heart broken in the few years before my cancer appeared.  I also had a lot of anger to my Mum in those years.  I want to heal it, but suppressing or denying it wont help either.  Its a conundrum for sure but at least its one I am gaining greater insight into lately.   Feedback and comments greatly appreciated

16 thoughts on “Tussle : a conundrum

  1. Wow, luv 💞💞. You’ve certainly been through so much! I’m so happy for you that you had your Godfather in your life, and so sorry to know that he has passed 💐💐. That’s a very interesting link you mention between cancer and pain, especially breast cancer 💚💙. I have also witnessed this phenomenon; I have heard/seen that breast cancer is often preceded especially by an unresolved pain involving the relationship with one’s mother, which would certainly sound like the case here 💐💞. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened to you 😔. I admire your strength and your willingness to share 💜. You’re not alone 💞

    1. I think what you write about the link btwn mother and daughter in terms of need and giving and cancer is spot on. My cancer was in the milk ducts which is where the milk is supposed to flow out. I had a lot of terminations due to addiction and emotional fears. I so appreciate your support and affirmation Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Laina. ❤ ❤

  2. I can feel the sorrow and pain in your words. Grieving seems to come in waves. All of your feelings and emotions are so understandable. You express very well that you don’t want to have these feelings. Just remember, we don’t choose our feelings, just what we do with them. And expressing them is a healthy way to deal with them. I do understand very well your endless internal struggle. I think when too many things keep happening our hearts cannot keep time with them. And it is so hard to unravel it all to even know where to begin. They feel all bunched and twisted together. It is a very overwhelming feeling. To carry guilt for our own feelings on top of the grief and loss is excruciating. I am so sorry for the pain you carry, for the feeling of being alone with it all. That can be a very crushing feeling. You are amazing with your insight and tender heart! Hugs! ♥️

    1. You explained that so well and I am sorry I missed this beautiful comment before. It does all get twisted together. It gets so mixed up and my body goes all over the place. Thanks SO MUCH for your validation, affirmation, wisdom and deep understanding. ❤

      1. You are welcome! Keep letting your emotions flow… they are much better expressed than locked up inside. There is no time table, no end date for grieving. The balance of the scales in our life need to at least level with the goal to tip in the opposite direction. I have often hoped that our hearts can have the capacity to experience joy to the same depths that it can feel sorrow! I think you are on a good path… keeping your heart open is the best thing you can do for yourself. So much of what we need we don’t have much control over. But I do think good things will come to those whose heart remains open. And you have that working for you… you are doing your part. I hope you can be proud of yourself for that. I am for you! ♥️

      2. Thank you so much. You know over the past week I have felt my heart opening so much. I am really greiving a lot, most often when I am alone as then I feel I have freedom to be real and cry. I am remembering and crying over things I never could before. I think it is such a good sign. I know I keep saying ‘thank you’ but your support and feedback and love helps me so much. I am so grateful for them and for you, beautiful ❤ ❤ ❤

      3. I hope you realize that I am grateful for you as well. Your openness and honesty with your feelings and emotions is very moving! ♥️♥️♥️

    2. Also thank you for pointing out that I feel guilt for feeling the feelings I do. I do feel guilt and I possibly should not. How do we cope with other’s unconsciousness…. It is SO HARD. 😦

      1. I see myself in you with feeling guilt for your feelings. In many ways you are helping me. I am not so sure that this may be a bigger part of our problem… controlling what we can. I think if we could accept our own pain without judgement, it may be easier to accept other’s unconsciousness. Maybe we are looking for something in others that only we can give ourselves. As though we have misdirected frustration. If we could have compassion for our own grief and sorrow… maybe we wouldn’t need theirs. I am just wondering! Like I said, you are helping me. We are in so much pain. I do think the support and validation can come from others who can give it. I will acknowledge though that a mother daughter relationship is very complex. I don’t think we ever stop longing for it to be good. So I certainly don’t want to dismiss that. I have that endless ache in me with my own daughter knowing things will never be okay. It isn’t easy. So for that you need to give yourself a break and not be hard on yourself for that. How could you not long for that love and acceptance?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s