Difficult night’s sleep last night after the revelations that came to light yesterday about my older sister (who is now dead) and her suicide attempt. I felt very enmeshed coming out of yesterdays meeting with a family friend who is the oldest daughter of my god parents. The background is that my godfather, Piet, left Holland with my father in 1938 to go to Indonesia. Growing up Uncle Piet was more like a father to me, especially in later years after I got sober. He validated my pain and struggle in my emotionally neglectful family to a great degree. It was with he and my Godmother I went to stay after returning from overseas at 25. I went there (overseas) a few months after Dad died and stayed 2 and a half years. There was no place back home with my mother who was on the phone pleading with me to come home after sending me away and then told me when I arrived home she was remarrying. I left shortly after to live in another town and my God parents took me in. They took me back in when I fell pregnant in the darkest final years of my addiction and needed to have a termiantion as the sac with the baby ruptured. My sister told me many years later my Mum was questioning whether she should support me or not at that time. Thanks a lot Mum, when I needed you when the fuck were you ever there!!! (This is past anger I am working on it!)
I woke in the middle of the night with all of this going around and around in my head. A photo of my godfather sits on my bedroom table. It was taken on the day of my wedding in 1993, he gave me away and we are hugging in the photo. I cried a lot last night with missing him. He died in 2003. He was more emotionally there for me than my father ever was but perhaps if Dad had lived it may have been different. The difference was Piet was not hell bent on becoming a millionaire and sadly in later years my Dad had less to do with him because Piet was only a ‘lowly’ mechanic. I use that word to convey my Dad’s bias not mine
My Godmother and I had a difficult relationship after Piet died. I felt upset because in final years they were trying to paint him as angry and full of dementia. What was happening was that his maternal abandonment (his mother died when he was only 3) which had never been dealt with came to the fore. His daughter was telling me yesterday how she spent a lot of time with him in the later years talking about it. What if she had not done that and just tried to judge him as my Godmother did? I knew myself what he had endured and it was a part of our bond.
I like to believe my Godfather is around me in spirit. I was praying to him last night. I know he was in no way a perfect father and had heaps of flaws but he was the one male figure I felt close to.
I am having some residual anger towards my Mum. My sister wanted to strangle her for all kinds of reasons. I can get it. I still have empathy for my Mum though, but at times its tough as she has never owned her own part in emotional abandonment. She wants me to go and pick her up tomorrow night to take her to a function 10 minutes away. Partly I dont want to do it. I want to tell her to get a fucking taxi. I dare not say it! There I go miss ‘nice girl’. Maybe I need to be honest. Luckily I have therapy today so we can discuss this. I try to compensate when I know my Mum and my other living sister are in pain. My other sister’s suicide attempt 4 years ago came up yesterday too. It was the first time Mum could unburden her story about it with someone. I wish to God my Mum was in therapy, all this pain is too much to carry alone, its why her pelvis fractured several times and why she is now on constant pain meds. Feeling the feelings and being honest enough to face her part in things would free her. But she wont do it. I do feel compassion but I no longer want to sacrifice my life.
I am a bit scared at the moment as I have been reading a book on Radical Forgiveness in which the author claims that failing to forgive often leads to cancer and that often a broken heart proceedes breast cancer. I had my heart broken in the few years before my cancer appeared. I also had a lot of anger to my Mum in those years. I want to heal it, but suppressing or denying it wont help either. Its a conundrum for sure but at least its one I am gaining greater insight into lately. Feedback and comments greatly appreciated