I don’t know or do I?

Recovery for me is often confusing.  I get moments of clarity, or think I do but then hard family pain from the past comes up leading me to question if what I know is real.  As the youngest in an older and far more established family (by the time I came along Dad was 41) meant I was behind the eight ball.  Everything was geared to business and empire building (though not in a fully conscious way).  Mum and Dad came back to Oz broke at the end of the wash up of World War II in the early 1950s.  Dad had been stationed in Indonesia where his work was to fly POWs home.  Mum and he were there for over 5 years with my older brother and sister.

Today the subject of my oldest sister’s suicide attempt came up as we met with an old family friend.   I was back at home with Mum and Dad when it happened.  I was 20 years old,  My sister came unstuck trying to come back to the family in her early 30s to compete or at least set up a business where she would be recognised.  At this point Dad was in business with my older brother and Mum in business with my older sister and her husband.  I was just out of school but had an NDE at 17 and was in hospital for over 3 months.  I foundered and when my sister had her cerebral bleed some 6 months later, booze and drugs had become my way of hiding the fact I was shell shocked and had not a clue which way was up.  Won’t go into the whole story, have shared about it in other posts.

Today Mum shared that coming out of her suicide attempt my sister (who had at that point been abandoned by her husband who sent her back home with a one way ticket and absconded with her four boys) asked not to go back home to live with Mum and Dad.  She also tried to strangle my mother when she visited her.   I cried all the way home after hearing about this today.  I really need to call my therapist.  Its so confusing what went down in those years.  It traumatised me to say nothing of the impact on my sister and apparently on the day she took her life Mum was at work and Dad just thought she was oversleeping.  I know my Dad was emotionally distant but how the hell could he have been so oblivious.

I know it is all in the past.  I have processed a lot of it in therapy.  I cant help questioning my sister’s anger with my Mum.  Did she just need a target to offload some of her profound anger and grief at the abandonment?  Was there more too it?   I will never know.   I miss my sister as she was more like a mother to me in my younger days but in later years it wasnt that healthy a relationship as she encouraged me to drink to an excessive degree.  Its seems that for so many years I was just lost and enmeshed in the family dysfunction.  Saying it is all just about ancestral pain alone also doesnt quiet cut it.  I feel in many ways I never ‘escaped’ and yet I only know we break out of enmeshment slowly.  I am sober today.  I dont mood alter (apart from a daily cup of coffee).  I often find I am the sponge for the grief which was never mine.  I was just the empathic witness.  But how much empathy do you give to a sick damaged thing?   Its a question I am not entirely sure of the answer to.  In the end I need my own life outside of it all.  That is all I know and am slowly coming to realise.


Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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4 thoughts on “I don’t know or do I?”

  1. I too am the youngest in my family. I was the “lost” one tossed around and never cared for. I was abandoned and used by my family. So I can relate to many of your feelings. The strange thing is so many bigger more horrific things happened that I don’t have on my radar the damage all of this has had on me. I think we push down deep the things we can’t process. I too am very sensitive and was a very sensitive child. And I think being the youngest we are missing too many pieces of the puzzle. What you heard today must have been very hard to hear. There certainly is a story behind it. I just got to thinking, could this play a part in your mother’s unwillingness to address anything with you. Maybe these conversations are triggering for her with what happened with your sister. This is just a thought. ♥️♥️♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I think that is very true. My older sister had a very strong personality and my Mum was taught to be quiet and do the right thing. I know my sister clashed both with my father and mother growing up in the 1950s. I dont think its all my Mum’s fault, I just think there was a lot of clash due to different generations. My sister was anti control and I think my Mum learned to control her feelings as things were so out of control for her growing up. I got very triggered coming out of that meeting on Wednesday. I am less overwhelmed today. I dont think the neglect from my family was intentional but it had a terrible affect. My other sister tried in her way to be supportive but often she was judgemental and that hurt. I am growing in compassion lately,
      Its very interesting that we have both had very similar experiences as we seem to relate to each others wounds so strongly.
      Sending you love ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes it is! I do understand what you are saying. The strange thing about people who don’t want to be controlled, they are often controlling. I can see how all of this would cause so much clashing of personalities and responses in your family. ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes I also think if when we grow up we experience people being out of control then we become addicted to trying to control things. I learned this from my time in Al Anon. Often the out of control person attracts a controlling person and they are shadows of each other.

        I also think a child can carry a parent’s represssed shadow. Then they clash or engage in a battle of wills, if that makes sense.
        I really value your feedback and insights.


        Liked by 1 person

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