Where life is frozen Fear will take up residence And the emptiness born of a pain that lay underneath it all So unrecognised Will call but with a phantom voice
You can no longer recognise Whose heart is that that you seek Is it the one stolen The one whose words were never heard Because life took it all too soon
In the absence that formed Which you filled with fire Everything burned to ash As your body cried out Father I need you
Remember that late summer afternoon When we came so close to death for the first time My high flying bird playing on the eight track as the car spun out so close to the edge of the mountain ending up crashed against the embankment? That night I crawled into bed and you held me close How was I to know that in the last month we would embrace once again in the same way not knowing it would all be far too late.
Dad you are the phantom that haunts all of our days and casts a shadow over life that can never be fully erased Your loss the loss we don’t ever speak of That hovers here and lays everything to waste Hope, longing truth trust honesty connection All these things a soul thrives on That we can not know
I have known your passing not only then but repeating across more than 20 years with 5 separate leavings of men I loved Each time my soul ached with a pain I thought would break me in two and alcohol was there until the last and then the crash came and took me down with all the grief I was running from I see it now
Dad I miss you and I dare not say or believe that you truly loved me for then the hurt would be entirely too much for this soul to bear but now I know the truth beyond a doubt and there is an end to my running
I must grieve and stop all the anger and fear which is really resistance to a deeper truth that must finally be fully felt nakedly completely in this oh so poignant moment I must close the door and turn to face myself and all that I buried over years and in so doing finally unfreeze my fear and resistance so that they can turn to tears