I had a clear awakening today after posting an earlier post and then finding a quote on the ancestral mother who is calling us on a path of healing that until I make true peace with my own mother wound I can never find true healing and release. I am sad in a way to see how much anger I have borne my own mother when she acted in ways she was conditioned to due to mother and father wounds in her own heart.
I went to lunch with a good friend today and she said how tough and hard her mother was (but loving too) and how she saw the damage and stoicism coming out of being a child of war. I thought about how my Mum was the only child of a World War One survivor who only lived until she was 7 and then of how my Dad lost his own father at 12 and then was called far away from the land of his birth when large forces were breaking open in Europe during the 1930s. I see how little they could give in terms of warm holding and affection that was physically demonstrated and now I feel so strongly the burden of all that I carry wasn’t it that that led me to seek the warm embrace of alcohol?
I was saying to my friend that when I try to hug my older brother’s oldest son he is stiff as a board, and how he and his wife air kiss you on either cheek. So so sad. I feel the abandoned body in them and feel my own body hunger to be enveloped in a big hug the one my other nephews of my older sister seem to give so easily. But I also see one nephew a few weeks ago crying at his mother’s grave and my Mum and sister standing on the side not touching him. It was me who tried to give the love and it was hard at times as I did not want to invade his boundary. Never the less it was given. I wanted to give him a letter his Mum had written and a school report but I was scared to on some level. I passed on instead the nature book that my sister had at the home that she never lived to give her grandsons and little Aiden was so sad when he left us a few weeks ago. I will treasure that moment with him for the rest of my life.
I see until I make peace with my own mother wound and allow my own need to be connected and depend I will never heal. There are places I can express that and other places where I cannot. So much of the twisting and spasming my body goes through on a daily basis is about this unexpressed need and longing of my own body to be held. One of the saddest things of my own trauma mother wound history is that I have terminated 6 pregnancies. The last one in the first year of my sobriety and marriage. I just did it and didn’t really think of the impact on my husband at all. When he left me he quickly found someone to have a baby with. When I cried about that with my new partner he accused me of being jealous. It was not that. I was grieving for what, at that point I could not give. I decided at the earlier point my own wounds were too deep to pass on but maybe the baby would have helped me heal and feel them, I don’t know.
Today when my body symptoms around twisting and my pelvis were happening I felt the times the instruments went in to suck out my womb. At times after I eat I feel I am being sucked and all my fluid is being drained away. Its helpful now to associate that to earlier traumas my body is carrying.
Anyway I am so glad I happened upon that quote about the ancestral mothers calling on our soul for healing. A year ago I found out that it was after the death of his mother that my great great grandfather left the UK and then he became an alcoholic and his wife left him and then there were migrations and leavings/divorces or other deaths along the maternal ancestral line. My older sister who died replayed all that when her husband abandoned her taking her back to New Zealand from Australia which is where my great great grandfather emigrated in 1874 and was eventually abandoned himself. The wounds I carry are not mine and yet it has been my task to become conscious of the ancestral thread and to face the pain that comes when I act all of this out unconciously from wounded child self who does not realise the deeper complexities of everything. I am so lucky to have found that quote which I posted on an earlier blog. Funny how life is always trying to bring us toward growth, healing and consciousness.