I am aware if you are a survivor of a suicide attempt it may be a source of shame to feel that you made others suffer or hurt as a result and I did share about the suffering of family and friends of suicide and suicide attempts in a recent post and am aware that could have made others feel bad about what they did.
I just replied in a comment to someone who was feeling this way that I didn’t want her to hurt or blame herself. When we are hurting and do something to try and stop that hurt then the hurt is felt by others because we are all inter-connected. It is interesting because yesterday my therapist asked me a question. She said “do you believe that your family love you?” this was as part of a conversation about how I was so upset with my brother that I didn’t call him on his birthday, sadly my answer of the love from him was no but its an answer that may be not be true. My brother may feel love and just express it in different ways and come to think of it love is an action so his failure to really draw close at hard times may show he struggles even to feel love from me, who knows?
He stays very detached from me as he knows I stand up about the harsh affects of living in our family on others. As the oldest he was a lot more protected he had more of my Dad’s time but I don’t think he thought much about my Dads hidden inner world the one I felt moving inside him under a cloak of silence when he would come home and just say hi and go immediately out into the garden. He was remote and I find my brother can be remote from his own and our feelings, but I also see the part I play in not having the energy to confront him in a close conversation where I am honest.
Anyway some how I have got diverted onto the topic of my brother. I am letting go of him because I don’t feel that good having connection with him and find it hard to have emotional intimacy with him. And that comes to the point of feeling so bad you want to commit suicide often it is just for this reason you feel no one is really there to see your deepest pain, no one is there to ask the necessary questions, or connect and understand how you feel deep down inside and these are just some of the reasons someone may choose to take their life. They may feel a failure or have deep and anguishing pain over past things they feel they did wrong or missed out on. They may be suffering deeply due to being treated with not only a complete absence of love but also with abuse or diminishment or other toxic behaviours and feel there is no escape and no way to improve the situation. They are most probably deep down in abandonment depression. There may be as far as others see, a way out, but one of the effects of powerful suffering is that it can eclipse a sense of hope and ability to see solutions, even if they actually do exist.
Yes my two sisters attempts at suicide caused us pain, because we loved then and didn’t want them to suffer. For me the pain I felt over the second suicide attempt concerned the fact that I had seen my two nephews trick my sister so they could involuntarily commit her to the psychiatric ward down in another town. It was a cruel way of dealing with someone with deeply complex issues that needed to be dealt with in a more interior way than just with scheduling and meds. If you have been in that situation (and so many have) then I personally feel its no wonder you felt like you wanted to end it or take your own life. after all who was really there for you?
So please if my post on Suicide prompted any of these kind of guilt feelings please don’t let your critic beat you up. Its good to feel sad that you feel others were sad or suffering because of what you did but there may be a reason for that too. I know its impossible to take away another’s hurt and pain. The most we can do is be there in the midst of the dark night with those who do suffer until they can find a way back to the light.
In the second video I rebloggged yesterday by Broken Blue Sky that is what Naomi was trying to do for the woman trapped in so much pain and sadness in her own body. The pain of suicide carries deep inside of it and makes a dramatic statement of how deep a person’s suffering really is and how powerless and helpless they feel. They have not yet been able to find the strength to fully face the dark and not be undone. But many come back and do, so we just keep supporting and showing as much love as we can and then let go when the person decides its all too hard.