I hurt

I had a very strong experience today of really feeling the amount of hurt my body has carried in the past that I have swallowed down.  I shared a few posts back how my brother’s birthday came and went and I didn’t call as I am so hurt about his refusal to help my dead sister’s son and family which would have allowed them to return to live close to us just before my sister died. I truly believe she died from being exiled and also from a broken heart.  I was aware that his refusal to help bought up the deep pain of being separated from my nephews who were like brothers to me growing up due to being closer in age to me.  It was a wound that really damaged me and one I could not express but covered over for years in addiction. It was a far earlier wound that my inner child was making known.

Anyway last night at dinner the subject of his birthday came up and I was not honest about why I did not call. I have found that speaking my truth in the past lead to being sidelined and I am deeply disappointed in myself to say I was not honest.  My sister asked if I forgot and I just said nothing much.  Later on that night I realised I had not been honest and that was due to fear.  I realised I had let myself down and lost an opportunity to share my hurt and pain.  It may or may not have been validated but really their response is none of my business and this has brought up a big issue with me that I have that I don’t speak my pain out due to not being heard or received before and so my body ends up all twisted up with my gut in knots.  I shared with Kat, my therapist last week how I also feel like I have stampede of wild horses in my chest when real feelings come up and meet the wall of fear over how they will be received.

I wanted to call my Mum and share my honest feelings but I did not want to bring her down and so I swallowed the feelings in and just spent the day at the library and having a cup of coffee.  I could have called my therapist but I did not.

The deeper issue I always struggle with is whether to say anything or remain silent. You may not see this side of me come across in my blog as I present myself as someone who says you must speak up, but we do teach what we most need to learn.  The one good thing is that today I became aware of how much my inner child longs to be heard and how invisible she felt and how little of a voice or a sense of power she had growing up.  This part of me really cried out to me today and I heard her and comforted her.  That was one good thing.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Abandoment Trauma, Honesty, Inner Child, Longing, Love, Pain, Self Awareness, Validation, Vulnerability4 Comments

4 thoughts on “I hurt”

  1. I think talking about it may help that inner child be heard and comforted, and it’s good that you recognise that voice, that need is there. I’m so sorry you’re having to carry all of this – sending a hug your way…  ♥

    1. Yes, Caz. You made such an important point. I realised yesterday how long I have defended against essential needs that were so long ago frustrated. I learned to bury them. It was a breakthrough yesterday, deeply painful but worthwhile. Thank you so much for your warmth and support. It means very much to me. Lots of Love Deborah ❤

  2. I just had a similar discussion with my therapist last week. We were talking about a conversation I had with my father, and how upset I was at his lack of response… Which is how all of our conversations and up. She said I don’t have to always talk about it. I have already spoken my truth on the subject, and he has spoken whatever it is he can speak on it. If I continue to bring it up in the hopes that he will have a different response or a change, I am never going to heal. So, for now, I’m going to take a break from bringing up certain things with certain people, for the simple fact that I know it just won’t serve me

    1. Yes, its interesting that you bought this up because I am realising there are some things we are best to stay silent about in certain company. So when I decided not to say anything about how I feel about my brother to my Mum and sister I just ‘let it lie’ as I know its hard for them to express upset about things he does as well and they will gloss over it. Thanks so much for bringing this up and I am so glad you are reaching that realisation. Lots of love D x

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