Break free?

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Can I break free from feeling the weight of it all  The family karma set in motion over generations Which my own limited consciousness could never have known without enduring all of this pain?  But now has to navigate and bear the full burden and weight of.

Today I fell to the ground with the weight of all I have witnessed Suicide attempts coming of cancer, operations death endings loss betrayal and disconnection : so called ‘manic flights’ looked upon in judgement and dread by the rational controlled consciousness of those who felt so threatened and could never have understood the pressure to break free experienced by an individual soul

Medication of old grief and inherited cellular mother loss pain/abandonment that could never be understood by the medical profession whose view is so minute and oh so severely limited Fear of my own so called ‘madness’ which from the point of view of those who show empathy and understand it is not madness at all But seen as a deep wisdom and powerful insight emerging through trial, tribulation and pain

When I fell to the ground today and prayed Christ you were there with me in the room I heard you say Remember when I had to carry my cross and fell three times?  Remember all those years ago when someone said “What a heavy cross you have to bear?”  You are carrying this cross and your cross is the cross of higher consciousness From the point of view of the world you are trapped But such a projection is illusion  Really it is great freedom to see these things To know these things To feel this pain To not be numb To stay open Not to shut down  That by far is a much greater weakness

But to walk through the fire with your heart and soul wide open Well that is a spiritual task So don’t expect worldly acknowledgement I was put to death but remember I rose again and you must trust that after this burning is over You will rise, Deborah you will rise

My body lies on the ground like I too have fallen far more times than 3.   I think that I will never get up But at the same time I feel in a deeper sense this dawning realisation What I am enduring is all of these things : death : shedding : breaking open : rebirth My being feels tinged by the fire of Pluto and Uranus   I fear death but realise that surrender is the only way forward  My body is tired oh so tired But in time I rise

Do I risk to share this Will people think I am I deluded Does it really matter? I am at the end of something far far larger than they could ever understand Later in the afternoon I hold your aging hand in mine What passes between us is too deep for words but I recognise that in so many ways I am your continuation and in some way I must stay connected while undergoing a deeper separation that burns and burns and burns my being like electric fire And in any case this intensely spiritual process is so hard to communicate the totality of in words.