===========This is a complement to my recent post on a life outside of trauma. I have felt extremely intense energy building over the past few days since Mercury the weaver between began to move forward. I literally felt myself being imploded or exploded by all of the various traumatic impacts I suffered in my life over the past two days. I literally thought I may not stay on earth. I realise how much there has been for me to deal with and face in my life. I share parts of it here but really it has been a life driven by trauma and one in which I found myself like a tiny raft on a tumultuous ocean just being deluged by waves and waves and waves around me. I struggled my best but could not, I now see retain bodily nor psychological cohesion in the midst of it all.
I was sharing with my therapist yesterday how I have felt these various tectonic plates of my being which is complex and oh so multilayered with past, inner life, the outside collective, my family, their traumas, there severings and divisions shifting so powerfully within me. It feels as if the messed up mix has began in some way to separate out and I am feeling life in a way I could not before because I was so deeply dissociated on so many levels or at least always shifting between all these worlds but not in a conscious way. I have tried in some way to bring all that has been fractured together hoping against hope for a cohesion to take place which, I now see was impossible. Truth is I could not even see it before the enormity of the entire thing.
Today I just found myself grieving for my brother and myself, for my Dad my Mum and my ex husband, Jonathan. Sadly I have been feeling so disappointed with my brother I could not call him for his birthday on Tuesday. I struggled with my feelings and thought of how I want to be bigger than the anger I feel toward him, but discussing it with my therapist yesterday I do see how I often talk myself out of the way I feel due to that being done to me so much. In my heart there is some love and longing towards my brother but not much of a connection, both due to our age difference, and due to the fact he lives by very different values to me. I see some goodness and deficits in him, I see the way his environment shaped him (not always in a very good way, nor in ways which helped him to embrace his emotional side which I know is there), I see so many things and today I just sat with my heart and cried as I embraced the complexity of it with no easy solutions, no ideas of right or wrong just all these layers of feeling and thoughts. I made a decision not to have contact. I now don’t need to guilt or shame myself for it. It wasn’t made out of hate but more out of hurt and feeling that I could never express to him how angry I feel over the lack of support he showed and shows to my other nephew and nephews.
But its not mine to judge him, only judge what hurts me and others. Life outside trauma that was the question that seems to have receded from sight. I know in many ways I will never be over the grief I felt for my sister who came so badly unstuck and was then shunned by part of my family. I will live with it because I have grieved and been able to speak about her a little in therapy and not much with anyone else because in our family we don’t speak about our pain. We get together and talk of all kinds of things, often there is eating and a bit of drinking going on. The exception being that since my sister died we do talk when one of her sons visits. We have cried but not a lot together and hardly enough. And I feel so sad that the nephew who suffers so much has wanted me to go north to visit him for some 3 years now and I have not been able to manage it. That may be why he is now not returning any of my calls.
And while all of this goes on I think of the life I want to have outside trauma. A life in which I was never marked by all of these burdens, associations and memories. A life in which I found a partner who would have allowed me to be in touch with it all, but also to build a life outside, that never happened and I blamed myself for years when really it wasn’t my fault that I had this family with so much trauma and had partners who wanted nothing to do with it. Should I have had nothing to do with it?
More questions about impossibilities and today I made a vow to live more in my day. I want to be able to touch life now. To feel the cold wind on my face and the sun on my skin. To be able to get up and out to walk with my dog. For so many years trauma stole that from me, it kept pulling me back and I can understand how hard that was for others to witness but to be sidelined and then not offered the support to express it well frankly that burns me inside and makes me want to scream and I think is why I went into a fairly black space after posting the video I did on Complex PTSD on Wednesday. In that Diane Langsberg spoke to such deep truths about how we are affected through no fault of our own and then we blame ourselves and others sideline us. Its really, really painful and it really fucking hurts! “Oh, haven’t you let go of that yet!”, “Well you really are living half a life”, “Now come on don’t be sad think of all you have to be grateful for!”
And all the time our body is screaming inside. “You just fucking don’t understand and if you did you would never dare say any of those things.” But we cannot say those words and so we get all kinds of symptoms : immune issues, fibromyalgia, depression, cancer, you name it! Wake up world! Wake up medical profession!”
The one healing thing is though, we can be present for ourselves when other’s will not. We can honour the depth of what we have endured. We can be hurt by others but in time we can come to understand that their fault or lack of empathy or awareness should not allow us to reject our own suffering. We can be angry about it and use that anger for good. We should not have to deny our anger but acting it out in ways that damage us or others wont help. And in time that does lead us to let go or surrender on some level.
Well that is ‘off my chest now’. Sun shine is streaming in, the heating system whirs in the back ground, Jasper lies half off his red pillow dozing and casting me a hopeful look (yes, bubs, we will get that walk today even though I woke feeling so exhausted by the weight of all of this I thought I would never get up!)
Life outside trauma? I do not know to be honest. It seems in many ways we so often long to be free of a past and in the end at times we are and at other times we are not. Today I am just remembering to tap in as much as I can to the goodness in this present moment, to the breath, to the body, to life while being conscious of all the thoughts that swirl from the inner critic and the ever vigilant observer self who witnessed it all and always has new light to shed on old events. The mind is a very mysterious place and as I write I sense Mercury hovering here with his winged sandels a quicksilver being who weaves all of this which can become at times like a tangled net to get stuck in. That is when body calls to me. Come home Deborah, I miss you and I am here patiently waiting for you to return to me, to the beauty and luminosity of now!