How I got in trouble

I want to share how I got in trouble with my mother and sister for being honest a few years ago and how they then broke contact with me.  My sister then had a fall due to lowered blood pressure and my mother called me in a panic wanting me to help them both.   I had dared to confront them about their invasion and lack of empathy towards their two daughter in laws.  This is the real reason behind why my brother’s wife has so little to do with my mother.  My mother violated her boundaries and read her personal diary in the 1960s when she came to stay at our house.  I was only about 4 or so.  She found intimate information I won’t share here and then confronted my soon to be sister in law.  At the lunch when my sister and mother were bad mouthing my sister in law and drawing comparisons between what was now happening with my sister’ daughter in law I confronted them.  They turned on me with pursed lips and my sister shamed me for ‘daring to spoil a lovely lunch!’ Sharing this with my therapist she made me laugh later when she called this pussy bum mouth!

It was around this time in 2013 that I was seeing the chiropractor who was trying to help me deal with the complex body issues my head trauma on the back of the earlier emotional abuse had caused me.  She told me my Mum was dangerous in her ‘hook ins’, she was trying to give me meditations and other techniques to refuse the hook.  At that stage I got very scared and overwhelmed and stopped going for treatments.  I now see that it then took a few years for my breast cancer to develop.  I held boundaries when my mother wanted me to go to the hospital with her to see my sister.  She hauled a big case down three flights of stairs and fractured her pelvis.  But when my sister developed breast cancer I was there.  Following her op my mother took my sister into her home for 3 months and gave up her bed.  When I had breast cancer she made one visit to the hospital and then didn’t call for days and days.   Just writing this now I think and question why the hell I kept fronting up.

I shared in my post yesterday how my mother always says to me “you know I REALLY DO love you!”  Okay Mum, so why when I have confronted you over real injuries have you tried to guilt or shame me or deny that it ever happened as I said or that I am remembering wrong?  Or told me I just need to forget it or forgive when people act in hurtful ways?

Yet even as I write this I realise that inside my Mum was a little child who never got heard or loved by her own mother.  That was her wound.  So she learned to work hard and achieve and in the end ended up abandoning her youngest daughter by leaving her alone and then violating her boundaries by again reading personal diaries that had very private secrets that daughter felt she could not trust a mother with.  Oh and yes then confronting her after she lost her father, actually only a few days after?

That daughter in the absence of anyone being there learned very early on to revolve around you Mum.  She did all she could to be tidy and clean up and is it any wonder that anxiety attacks occur all around the time of day you used to come home after work at the boutique and I would trail around after you trying to be seen.  Yesterday instead of eating compulsively I put on the track ‘Devil Inside’ and danced to it with all my might and energy, expressing the frenzy of all the mixed up and frustrated longing in that way that when I share this later in therapy are like wild race horses thundering to be free in my chest.  In many ways I see our devils as exiled angels, parts of us that never got to fully breathe, express and embody .

I lost then the urge to stuff my face with all the complex memories of trauma, that was the lead up time to the time of my birth. It was the time of the second head injury and the anxiety of all these associated things still live on in me.  It was nothing less than complete emotional abandonment I swallowed in addiction and could not let my body know but now my body is telling me how it is and I will no longer let the inner critic protector block my magnificent life force that in the mess is actually trying to bust out and live a creative, individual, fully embodied engaged life.

I have LOST SO MANY YEARS.  But I am seeing that once the painful truth is fully known and grounded in cells it is never too late to find the way back home.  I don’t have to exile who I am just to be loved any more.  I don’t have to revolve my entire life around powerful others.  Its okay to be me, to feel my own skin, to find a home here, to be and to breathe.  Oh and yes to express the full truth of what happened in my blog, free of fear, guilt, shame and inner introjected “how dare you’s!”