Messy?

I am reluctant to post some of what I write, especially when it is part of a sorting out process taking place in my most complex relationship, the one with my Mum. Probably many mother daughter relationships get messy and mixed up, after all mother is our source and we can go on looking to her for years for validation.  Growing up and separating means we find it easier to relate on a level we may not like but come to accept out of appreciation for the others and our own wounds.  I wrote this after an outing with my Mum on Wednesday.  I am posting it just to express it.  And later I feel selfish for doing so!

Messy when we get together I don’t know where your feelings begin and end Held under the cover of darkness They become so deeply hidden Seeping into the ether That I absorb through open pores When we are close

Distance hurts because I long For connection But when together There is dissonance I try to lead you to a place You barricaded long ago To you that place is an abyss And you drown in it most days alone To talk about it hurts too much  There is no resolution in any case Of these old pains and sufferings over which we are now so powerless  I feel the great pain your body carries

The only safety I feel now is in distance  My heart feels there is no longer any way to be close We are strangers And yet so intimately known And the truth is I will probably never stop longing for you for the rest of my life

But the sadder truth is Such longing is all in vain We never truly meet And so this mess I am left with is not able to be sorted So as hard as it is I have to let go At least for now Or maybe just maybe your pain is deeper than words and so my care and consolation is an intrusion?  Wake up, her pain is her pain and trying to get her to see yours always ends in tears.  Let go!

18 thoughts on “Messy?

  1. A friend came over in crisis last night. His mother died of cancer when he was 9. His life was an emorional hell after that, devoid of motherly love

    1. How painful for him. I at least have my Mum alive so that makes me think and feel gratitude on some level. We so need that nurturing source. I truly believe its absence is behind so much of the worlds problems today…. ❤

      1. He’s been off the booze about 5 years. Vietnam war ravaged his family. They were the rare political class whose children enlisted… not draft dodged to become wealthy

      2. Oh that war was so intense. What year was he born? I am so glad he stopped the alcohol as I know the pain that would be passed down by being a descendant of that would be huge. Thanks for sharing it with me.

      3. He’s 58 I think. I knew him for a while before he gave up. Most people shunned him. I found him witty and amusing then was able to keep the friendship in the transition.

      4. Good on you, people with trauma or who are different or challenging are often shunned. Its a sad thing about society. Not that I know why he was shunned but if he was carrying that many wounds it would not have been easy at all.

      5. God knows I have paid some dues. Gets exhausting post trauma. Of course there are those who say we are making it up. Maybe all the stress is all in our minds even if the event actually happened? Maybe my mind got fixated on something negative and I ran myself down?

      6. Yes, I really understand. That book I mentioned a few post back from Peter Levine addresses that aspect of the repetitive nature of trauma. Also Bessel Van Der Kolk talks about that in one of his You Tube lectures. The trick is in not getting fixated but trauma seems to do that, we need to break from the loop to connect with goodness in the here and now. Its a practice that takes lot of work. Unpacking feelings of trauma is more important than just speaking about it. ❤

      7. Thank you. Will check out the YouTube. I see my doctor next week. Will ask him too. He got me meditating twice daily a while ago. Medication is ok. Getting more used to it and it mostly helps. Eating when I don’t need to because of hunger that ain’t mine makes me more depressed.

      8. No…. purely a need to eat caused by biochemistry. Totally alien.to my body, and lifestyle otherwise. Extremely damaging. Socially too because trying to explain a compulsion to eat food confronts people. It is acknowledged by WHO

      9. He’s not stupid. Very few real alcoholics ever are. Usually have a gift of some sort

      10. Very true. I am a recovering alcoholic and I find us very intelligent, often gifted or sensitive (trying to hide that at times) and aware.. often carrying the emotions of families or others or some loss or trauma or early wound. Drinking to deal with that in some way. In my experience.

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