Jasper and I just returned from a lovely walk. We needed to rebond as last night I woke up in the middle of the night to find he had peed all over the mat in the toilet and I flew into a rage. (Yes followers I am neurotic and full of this same anger my mother had when messes are made.) I threw the mat at him and he ran to the door but it was closed. I then went back to bed. Of course this morning I was full of remorse and then all the issues of my past were so strongly with me. I felt the frustrated impotent rage I often feel that I never moved forward into my own life in 2001 when I started the psychological astrology course and was really hitting my inner child’s pain in my first therapy attempt, as some followers know at this point both my mother and now dead sister were deep in crisis. Mum and fallen and Judy had been taken out of the care home by her alcoholic partner and beaten up and was finally flown miles away to a place in the middle of nowhere. Later Mum found a place for her in a care home for people with acquired brain injury.
In the journals I read on the weekend I was by that stage back here in Oz with my now ex husband angry on some level I had come back, while wanting to be there and feeling the pressure to, since on his death bed Dad asked me to care for Mum. At that stage I had left my ex husband for 6 months to go back to the UK but could still not make a break forward with him alone there. The bond with my family was just too strong and so I came back again and he ended up leaving me. I then tried to go back to the UK again and suffered a huge head injury. As I look back now there was not a lot of support in the UK at that stage for me but to be honest there was enough. I say all the time to my therapist that I don’t feel I was brave enough to make it on my own. Knowing how hard I am on myself she doesn’t agree, she often just smiles and shakes her head, saying “there goes Mr A again!” (the name I give to my inner critic).
Anyway on an astrology level at that stage Saturn planet of self definition, standing alone and separation was on the MC or the top part of my chart (tenth house). 14 years later its now in the 4th which has to do with mother, home, family and karmic inheritance. A few of my past few posts have been about this. The nephew who visited well his Sun falls in my fourth house and on the weekend I felt how I often feel I take on a mother role in the absence of his own Mum who died. On the weekend I wanted to drive him to the cemetery (and also didn’t in a way). Today I am aware how much the bond to my family has cost me in terms of moving forward but I am, at the same time also aware that this is a limited view. I have learned a lot more about my family and myself by coming back to Australia in 2001 and 2006. I was able to be there at time for my sister before her death in 2014 and I have been able to make tentative connections with the boys who were like brothers to me growing up, and taken from us when my brother in law took them all away to another country, disappearing. But I have not managed to move forward into my own life.
Today I was grateful that on our walk after we reached an open field and I sat for a while on the chair looking out over the ground, watching a swallow dip and dive that Jasper cried at me and then sat at my feet looking longingly. I picked him up and he sat on my legs back to me and bottom to my pelvis while I cried. I felt the pain of that anger of mine he has to bear sometimes when all of my frustration at not moving forward comes up. The bond with my sister who died WAS SO HUGE!!! She was the one I went to for holidays. Mum and Dad just worked all of the time and my other sister tried to say how it was the same for most of our generation but I am not sure. Other friends speak of times with the family on holidays when they spent time together. By the time I was in early adolescence my other sister had left home and my brother was in business with my Dad while my sister was in business with my Mum. I was alone ALL THE TIME. My older sister at that point was in Sydney for a while and I could fly down for holidays but I hated having to leave. I prayed for her to return to our home town but then she got to overworking in her own business and had the stroke. Did I feel in some strange way responsible as I had prayed and prayed for her to move back. When she did everything came unstuck.
It is important today for me to let all of this flow out, boring as it may be for others who live a different life. I need to see that I didn’t do anything wrong and that all along I have been doing the very best to become more aware and separate from the past. In many ways the pain of what I went through with my sister, through loving her will always be with me, etched so deeply, powerfully and painfully on my soul. But there is also a light side in that I know that on some level what worked out was a karmic thing that is and was far larger than me and that my sister for all the tragic sadness also had such light inside her, albeit a light that never got to fully live. In my own case I acted out my own pain or buried it deeply in addiction from 1979 to 1993 when I finally got sober. Becoming conscious was a far larger journey and will not probably be over until I die, should I really be flying into a rage with myself over the things I cannot change. Should I be being hard on my poor dog who probably couldn’t get outside to the loo so decided to pee in the place the smelt human pee? Answer is No! But the truth is I am a far from perfect human. And sometimes I feel shame about it, however the deeper problem is that I demand too much perfection of life, myself and others.
I am due at therapy soon and haven’t had any lunch so I am going to post this much now. I had some very strange things happen yesterday, the television in the bedroom which is mounted on the wall turned on by itself and then a book that I was reading on grief just disappeared I have searched the house for over 24 hours and there is no sign of it. I feel my sister is around at the moment as these are two things that are just two of four bizarre kinds of psychic occurrences which have occurred over the past 4 weeks. For now I need to post this much and go tend to my body with some nutritious food. I will be back!
Emerging From The Dark Night 