When the darkness wants to eat you

I had as serious terror dream the other night.  I don’t get them often and when they happened the darkness of the malevolent force I feel is truly terrifying.  It happens just after I have fallen off to sleep,  I feel this cold blackness enter the room and pull off the blanket or duvet covering me leaving me seriously exposed.  I then wake up with a fright.

I have been writing a fair bit about dark and painful things in my history this week with Mercury on natal Pluto.  I am aware that these things that occurred around me were not about me in any way.  As a child, adolescent and young adult I was left unprotected.  My Dad unwittingly at times put me in dark situations with dark characters one of whom was a boss.  There was also a very dark energy around my sister’s ex husband and one night I woke with him sitting on the end of my bed.  I was only about 13 at the time.  This was the man who eventually ended up abandoning my sister after her stroke and took her a long way away even though he already had a new woman shacked up overseas.  He then sent my sister home with a one way ticket.  He also ended up bankrupting his parents.

In my addiction as a result of a lot of this I was drawn towards dark places and dark characters, while a part of my soul rebelled when I felt the coldness in the hearts and eyes of some of these people. Addiction numbed me out and I went through horrific things, waking up out of blackouts and being filled with such shame.  In sobriety I was able to share about these things and release the shame and my secrets but it is interesting that this black energy returned the other night after a time in which I was confronting in therapy the very darkest years of my early addiction when I felt so alone.

I am becoming more aware lately when the darkness wants to eat me up.  It may be that I am resentful that someone has not shown me the empathy or love or care or concern I would hope for.  I know that it has been useless to make any protest with my family, most especially Mum who sees this kind of honesty as a burden reminding her of a failure.  My father was an invisible force for most of my life due to his emotional absence.  He didn’t seem to fully see me and make a relationship with me and so that left an imprint that left me attracted to men who did not see me and wanted to dump their rejected shadow onto me.  Its taken me the past 5 years and all my resources to recognise and release myself from the projection that I was somehow flawed or ‘to blame’.  I had a need for a partner who could accept that my dark past would never be totally gone but that also I did not want to live there.  Not having it affirmed or understood meant the darkness grew inside from that ongoing rejection.

Today I can own my darkness and recognise the darkness and loneliness that surrounded me growing up.  I see how hard I worked to try and get away from it but until I could become fully conscious of it there was no escape but only an ongoing replaying of the same.  I am finally beginning to feel free for the first time in my life.  Affirmation from a consistent therapist has been essential for me as I internalised from a young age an internal rejector.  I can now see when the rejector is about and put up a stop sign.  I will no longer allow that darkness to eat me anymore!