I know that terribly painful feeling of the most acute loneliness well. It is like having an aching void inside you, but really it isn’t a void because deep within it is also this ache of deep longing for love that isn’t available, a deep thirst for healing water of that oh so indescribable elixir that makes a soul sing. When that feeling of connection and meaning is absent the pain is really beyond the power of words to describe.
I am really happy to be able to say this morning that I am not in that place at present. I seem to have travelled through one of the most acute feelings of pain and suicidal feelings in a while over the past 3 weeks, following the removal of my tooth which really means I am without 3 front teeth when my denture is not in place. It has been a tough experience but at the moment I am able to see a lighter side of it. I watch an ad on the tele here for icecream with a little girl and a little boy in it at night time. The little girl is missing a few of her front teeth, the new ones haven’t grown down. When I watch this the thought comes to me that somehow kids get by at the stage with no front teeth. It isn’t the end of the world, and by no means is this minimisation but I will weather this latest loss and come through it, like I have with all the other losses in my life.
Although it is so hard to see it on some days there is a sun still shining, at least for me. I know that in some people’s lives the hopelessness and darkness is deep. I do feel it is a cry of the soul for something, some kind of deeper connection that is missing. I know in my own case for so many years I had a longing for love that I felt could only be filled out there in the world, but what I am realising is that really what my soul and inner self really need is my own love and attention. When I am down my inner self really needs to know there is someone inside my consciousness that can answer from a place of love, a part of me that can respond to the hurt with soothing, that wont amp it up with negative inner self talk telling me there is something wrong with me for feeling a certain way and that it should not be this way but should be another way. Telling myself these kind of things only makes the hurting inside me grow. It nurtures feelings of my wrongness or badness and I know that I am not wrong or bad as a person at all, the only wrong, bad thing is treating myself and my deep feelings in an unkind and unloving way.
I must say that yesterday I spent the whole day alone and I had the loveliest day. I started to write a post on it yesterday but didn’t post it. I had a lovely day because I did good things for me and Jasper, including a walk with lots of play time, a trip to the garden centre to buy plants which I then planted, a nice lunch at my local bakery and then a great movie I watched on DVD called Rudderless about a father struggling in the aftermath of the death of his son. Oh, and I also cooked a curry for dinner. This morning I woke feeling that I am never really alone as long as I have a higher power in my life, a force that seems to surround me and that I can tap into with faith, confidence and love when I need to. I see and feel this power around me lately but I also know I need to take active steps within my own self to reach out to this power. I don’t really see it as separate from me, but rather as a loving force that has the power to surround me with love and care even on the really tough days.
The Sun in my astrology chart finally crossed into the first house after the Lunar Eclipse the other day. I think that is why the heavy feeling and cataloguing of all past mistakes and injuries has now abated somewhat. Venus is travelling behind both Mercury and the Sun at the moment in Cancer and will be the last one to visit my 12th house soon. Mercury has travelled out ahead of the Sun into Virgo but it will be meeting the Sun back in late Leo soon when it moves backwards. The planets in my 1st house are lighting up my need to be alone and take care of me. I am still having contact with my Mum but I am also detaching a lot more from her and from my sister. I still have that deep well of longing to be connected to my sister but over the past few months I have finally accepted we never will have the connection I always longed for with her and that her disconnection on an emotional level has been deeply painful and difficult for me. I never knew a look of real love from her, there was always a defensiveness and judgement of me and I hate to say this but I also feel a jealousy of some kind. A few years ago when she tried to turn my nephews against me after my other sister’s funeral by telling them while they were out on a drinking spree that I was jealous of her, and then tried to deny it when I confronted her, as one of my nephews told me about it later, that is when I should have really cut ties. I see that comment as a projection, because honestly I don’t know what I would have to feel jealous of my sister for. I was instead deeply sad that I didn’t have the connection of a certain kind with my mother but then I know that I am able to connect much more deeply to the real emotional side of my Mum that she so often tries to keep hidden, just as my sister does. Now I can just feel a bit sad for my sister but not enough to even try to make any effort anymore with someone its not possible to connect to emotionally.
Maybe I am feeling happier lately as I have finally accepted and grieved the reality of these harsh truths. There is pain as we bring difficult things to consciousness and a shedding pain as we release illusions and delusions from our consciousness. I feel that that was what a lot of my suicidal depression was about really, it was all part of a process of feeling the pain of becoming, becoming more aware, more conscious, more realistic, of seeing and feeling my illusionary hopes shatter. Maybe now I am birthed just a little more, maybe now I have shed just a little more, maybe that is why now I don’t feel so alone as I did anymore. And although I know all things pass, for now I am going to just rest in and cherish these feelings of not being so lonely any more. Even though I am alone I don’t really feel alone, but more deeply connected than I have felt in a long time.