I have not be able to, nor felt the desire to write on my blog for some days now. I wanted to have a time in which I was connecting to life in the present moment, just fronting up to be in a place beyond the ideas and thoughts in my head and no pieces of poetry or prose were flowing out either. And so I just spent the last few days as grounded in the immediacy of the present moment as I could.
That said there has been a degree of inner conflict going on, as my Mum came home from hospital on Friday and I was constantly thinking of or worrying that she would have enough, enough food, enough support, enough connection, even though my sister stepped up to provide most of this. I got a bit angry at one point for feeling excluded but really what is new, connecting with my family, giving or receiving support has never been easy. But that said I also need to own the part my own constant obsession with my Mum being ‘okay’ plays in my life as well as my need to keep it going.
Last week I shared in a blog that I felt my dead sister had visited my house in the form of a bird, a native Australian bird, a cockatoo. I am sorry to say I am not a big fan of this bird. Its huge, loud and very destructive at times to nature and property in its quest for food. A few nights ago I dreamed that this bird sunk its powerful beak into my wrist really trying to hurt me. I woke up immediately following the impact of the injury and thought of how my longing for connection to my sister was often destructive to me and to my forward movement in life. I wondered if my belief in the spirit of a relative who had passed over was actually some kind of delusion and then I read a blog yesterday in which the writer said that to the Native Americans birds are seen as spiritual messengers. I do believe the dream image and event is important and its a few days until I can share it with my therapist.
At the moment I am feeling a real desire to live away from my family. I know my Mum is aging and now she is staying in bed all the time to rest. Really she has been worn out at times through being there for my sisters when they were both ill with bi polar disorder. I was always aware I needed to try as much as possible to rely on myself so as not to be an extra burden, but to be honest part of me felt very resentful. But at the same time I see that to be emotionally self supporting is really an adult thing. My inner child needs to look more to adult me to take care of her and not to anyone else outside. I read blogs of others where I see the unmet child hungering and longing and thirsting for mother and recognise that territory so well. Ideally in therapy we transfer all of this longing onto a therapist and then slowly it is frustrated while at the same time met to the point that we pour out and realise the wound or damage of not having this constant support, empathy or mirroring and validation in childhood. Then we learn to grow the inner mother (and father) and heal the disconnect and fill the void from within or without in some way.
I am spending most of my time alone lately. The few friends I seemed to connect to sporadically have disappeared. I am aware though that maybe I need to accept that this is the way it needs to be for now. I feel like I am coming to the end of a way of being and relating that has been dying for some time. In a few hours the Leo lunar eclipse with the Moon opposing it in Aquarius will be occurring exactly on my ascendant/descendant axis. This is the conflict between our individual need to be and express as our pure spirit immediately and spontaneously (first house/ascendant) opposing the powerful counter pull of the need to be in relationship and learn and relate through meeting and mirroring (seventh house/descendent). If we don’t know ourselves well often we look to relationships for mirroring but so often they can fail to provide this mirroring in terms of having stuff projected on us that isn’t ours and trying to be it may lead us astray and also lead us to become lost, frustrated and confused. Then we hate the relationship instead of realising the critical lesson lies within. Without a strong knowledge of our true self its almost impossible to find happiness and serenity looking for it from without.
Life seems to have consistently forced me out on my own. Lately I felt upset and resentful at family being so distant but what I am realising is that I need to accept that I have often been the one trying to keep things going in terms of reaching out only to be rebuffed. Why keep trying to open a locked door.
A Solar Eclipse will follow the Lunar Eclipse in two weeks time. At 29 Leo which is a final degree. Often the Lunar Eclipse highlights old issues or longings or patterns of being which no longer serve us or awakens old things from the past so they can be illuminated (a lunar eclipse occurs at a full moon, that time when the lunar light is most strong but also being overpowered by a ‘shadow’). When followed by a Solar Eclipse which represents a new beginning those patterns are illuminated so that we can see them more clearly and then let them go making a new beginning at the New Moon. (Solar Eclipses always occur at New Moons.)
Such astrological awareness seems to be making a lot of sense to me. Mars is behind the Sun at the moment and it will move forward over the degrees of both the Sun at the Lunar Eclipse (15 Leo) and the Solar Eclipse degree (29 Leo) over the next month, signifying the need to be seen becomes highlighted but it may also be frustrated for in the end it is we who have to see ourselves clearly, demanding that others do it is not always possible for them and then maybe we need to let go, not of the need to be seen but of the demand that others do.
Leo does demand though that we stay true to our solar light, that unique spark of individual spirit which lives inside of us and needs to shine into the world. For if it is dimmed too long we lose our way forward into the life that we need to live in order to be true to who we really are and what we really feel the urge to express into the world from deep inside.